So I’m back in Maryland this week, helping my sister paint her guest room/soon to be nursery, and just enjoying some time with my family. My sister is adopting a baby soon and she wanted me to help her get her room ready before the social worker comes for their final visit. With Kevin busy planning for school to begin, it has worked out well for me to be up here this week. From what he’s told me, he’s been working late and getting a lot accomplished. I have been getting a lot accomplished this week too – just in a different way.
Last night, we went to see the Orioles play the Yankees at Camden Yards. It was a great night for a game! The O’s actually did some scoring and there were some home runs, which made it exciting. We had to leave after the 6th inning since MacKenzie was with us – I was actually surprised she made it that long! I got a call from Kevin when we were waiting at the station for the light rail to pick us up. My OB called and told him that she had gotten some test results back from Andrew’s autopsy. Apparantly, Andrew’s blood tests all looked fine. I was relieved. I’m anxious to meet with her next week and hear more specifics. Hopefully, she’ll have more results as well.
Being up here has provided some structure to my days but not at the jeopardy of my time with the Lord in the mornings. Painting Jen’s room has actually given me quite a bit of time to think, today especially. My devotion for today was titled “A Father Gives Good Gifts,” based on Matthew 7:9-11 which says, “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
I believe this passage to be true, as I can go on and on about the ways that God has given me good gifts throughout my life – good family, a great husband, a wonderful church, awesome friends, and just simply life and salvation (the last is certainly not least in this case). God is good and does give good gifts, but when I think about this verse in the context of grief and my circumstances with losing Andrew, my mind was all over the place trying to make sense of this verse and this concept.
Here’s a good quote from my devotional book that basically sums it up for me.
“Sometimes his ‘good gifts’ don’t appear that way to my limited perspective. He gives me broccoli when I want ice cream. Sometimes he uses frustrating circumstances, unwarranted criticism, or disappointing delays to develop in me the good gifts of patience and humility. He calls me to trust him, to know that he is my wise and loving Father, and my ultimate good is his heart’s greatest desire.”
God gave me a good gift in Andrew – in fact, I think God gave me a PRICELESS gift in Andrew. I couldn’t ask for much better! So why did he give me something so wonderful and so good, only to then take it away? This is a question I will probably never get answered while I’m here on this earth. So this is where the rubber meets the road. Despite what the past few weeks have been, do I still believe God to be a giver of good gifts?
Although I might not feel like God is the giver of good gifts in the midst of this tragic circumstance, I believe his word to be true. From an earthly standpoint, it seems like God doesn’t always give good gifts. But in light of eternity, God is indeed the giver of good gifts. God has already used this situation to draw me closer to himself in a way that I have never experienced. My heart has never been softer than it is right now – I’m ready for God to teach me whatever it is he wants for me to learn and I yearn for heaven like never before. I have a new perspective about life on this earth and the life after. I am so thankful for the assurance of my salvation in the midst of a world filled with pain and hurt!
I did want to ask for some more prayer. As most of you know, I’ve been unemployed since mid-January after Circuit City was liquidated. I had planned to stay at home with Andrew, so I’m now really praying about what God would have me do with my time now. I plan to get my BeautiControl business going again on a part time basis, but I’m not sure what else the Lord would have me to do. I’m excited about the options (school, job, volunteering?), but also very scared. I appreciate your prayers in advance!