This afternoon Kevin and I met with the lady at the cemetary to make some final decisions about Andrew’s marker. We decided on a 12 x 12 bronze square on top of granite with a flower vase. We chose an emblem and decided to add a verse at the bottom below Andrew’s name and birthdate. The lady will finish creating the computer image and send it to us for our approval before she orders it, but I’m actually really excited about it.
The emblem is a picture of Jesus with a little boy on his lap and the verse we chose was Matthew 19:14, where Jesus tells the disciples, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
I need to be reminded that Andrew is safe and secure with Jesus and I feel like the marker will be a great way for our family to celebrate that. Don’t get me wrong, the visit today was very surreal and I hated that we were there, but we made the best of it and I’m excited to see the end result when we visit the cemetary in the month and years to come.
Tonight I’ve been a little disappointed. I have felt like I had some emotions building up in me and this disappointment helped me get some of that out. It’s difficult for me to know how to deal with all the emotions that I am feeling as I deal with the reality of Andrew’s death. I want to be honest with myself and with others, yet I also want to be strong and I realize that I can’t sit around and cry all day.
It’s hard to find the balance between being honest in my grief yet also making real strides to move forward through it (not that the missing will ever go away). I started this blog to give me an outlet for dealing with things, but I hope I haven’t portrayed myself as this super strong person who is doing just fine with all this, because that’s definitely not the case.
The author of the devotional shares about a conversation she had with a woman who had just lost her firstborn son (the author of the devotional knows full well about loss as she lost 2 children of her own). Here’s an excerpt from it, as it hit me straight between the eyes (as well as the heart).
Wow, am I guilty of trying to add Jesus to the life I’ve been living? Or have I truly made Jesus my life? Am I willing to put my plans for my life to death knowing that it will be painful? It’s easy to say yes, but more difficult to put into action. The author goes on.
I don’t know about you, but these words smacked me right in the face! Do I really believe that God’s plan for my life is better than the one I had created? I know in my mind that God’s plan is far better than what I could ever come up with, but do I really believe that in my HEART? Especially after such a disappointment when we lost Andrew? That’s a tough one.
I asked for the Lord to speak to me in a real way tonight and he has. It’ll take me a while to process it and to put it into action, but I must if I want to follow Jesus. He doesn’t want part of me, he wants ALL of me. He doesn’t want me to squeeze him into my life, but he wants my ENTIRE life. Am I willing to count the cost and truly follow him, not knowing where it will take me? I say YES, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. WILL YOU?