I’ve been wanting to post for a couple of days, but have been struggling with what exactly to post. I feel like so much of what I’m thinking about and dealing with is starting to get a little repetitive. But, at the same time, it can sometimes take a LOT of time to really learn what God wants to teach us – perhaps even a lifetime. I’m thankful that God is so patient with me – meeting me each day exactly where I’m at and loving me in the midst of it.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here yet, but I have begun to watch 2 precious little boys a couple of afternoons a week. Some of you may think I’m crazy to do this so soon after loosing our precious son, Andrew, but it’s actually been really good so far. It’s cool how God brought this my way.
Since I lost my job at Circuit City’s corporate office back in January and don’t have Andrew to take care of during the day, I have been praying that the Lord would guide me regarding employment. I was at complete peace about being a stay-at-home wife if he desired, but was definitely open to going back to work, be it part-time or full-time. Well, not a single phone call regarding a full-time job.
About a month ago, a friend of mine called me and asked if I’d be open to babysitting on a part-time basis. She had spoken to one of our college friends who was going to be working a few hours each week outside of her home and was looking for someone who might be interested in watching her 2 boys. She wanted to be sensitive to our situation, so my friend wanted to talk to me first before passing along my number.
It has worked out well so far. It’s been nice to reconnect with this college friend and her boys are just precious. It’s really a nice arrangement for all of us. My friend is able to work a few hours, but not miss much time with her boys since she goes in during their naps. I’m able to get out a couple afternoons a week, play with some precious boys, and even watch some cable TV while the boys are sleeping.
Well, you know how I’ve mentioned that I’ve been struggling with a lot of fear lately?
Unfortunately, it’s still a struggle. At first, most of my fear was about getting pregnant again, but it’s starting to extend into other areas of my life.
Just today, while watching the boys, I suddenly became so fearful that the youngest boy would stop breathing (he’s almost 9 months). Luckily, they have a video monitor so I was able to look at it and turn up the volume. Despite that, within maybe 10 minutes, I just had to go up to his room and make sure he was okay. Silly, huh? I just kept praying, “Lord calm my nerves. Protect this little baby.”
I’ve also had thoughts about losing Kevin. These thoughts honestly come out of nowhere. But, when I’ve called him after school to check in with him and he doesn’t call back within a certain amount of time, I worry.
Prior to loosing Andrew, I would never have considered myself a worrier. That’s why this is super frustrating. I am partly annoyed at myself for allowing this, but also angry at the devil for attacking me in this way. Fear is such a powerful thing, and can be debilitating to some. I’m grateful it hasn’t been quite like that for me, but I would love your prayers as I seek to work on this area of my life.
I’m continuing my devotional book by Nancy Guthrie and just the other day, it really spoke to my struggle with fear. God is my protector, so there is nothing to fear. Here are some excerpts.
These words of Jesus reveal that God is far more concerned with our eternal well-being than our physical well-being. It doesn’t always seem like protecting my soul is more significant than protecting my body from disease or death, but it is nonetheless.
“God has not promised wholesale deliverance in this life for those who place their faith in him. But what he has promised is protection of our souls for eternity – eternal safety and rest in the bosom of Christ.”
Thank you Lord that, through Jesus, my soul is protected from an eternity in hell! When fear creeps in and I feel attacked from the devil, help me to stand firm in the victory that is mine in Christ Jesus! Help me to walk in confidence that your plan will come to fruition in my life and that the devil has no real stronghold in my life! Lord, I put my trust in you. Thank you for being so trustworthy!