The title of this post pretty much sums up where I’m at right now. Life has gotten back to its new “normal” and while overall we’re doing really well, I’m finding myself struggling to believe. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in God and I’m still clinging to Him with all that I have, but I am struggling to believe some of God’s promises to me.
I still struggle very much with why the Lord took Andrew to heaven so soon. Just this morning, I was asking the Lord, WHY ME? I told Him that I understand I’m not entitled to an answer, but I still asked. Why did I have to be the one who couldn’t bring her beautiful son home from the hospital when so many other mothers do?
And why am I now having to struggle to conceive yet again??
In the midst of missing Andrew so very badly, I feel like I’m re-living his death each and every month that we don’t conceive. We’re going on 7 months without our son, and while another child will never replace our firstborn, I do feel like our dreams of parenting children on Earth are shattered each time we get a negative pregnancy test.
I do believe that we will have more children. The Lord spoke to me back in December about that, but it’s still excruciatingly difficult to deal with the waiting each month. As any of you who have struggled with infertility knows, it’s an emotional roller coaster and I’m just not sure how much more I can handle. I’m want to believe what the Lord told me, but I’m struggling.
Back on December 17th, I found myself struggling more than usual regarding conceiving again. We were in the 2 week waiting period to see if we were pregnant or not, and I was really struggling with the waiting. I remember very vividly crying out to God, and asking him to speak to me about whether I was pregnant or not. If I wasn’t pregnant, I just wanted to know so I could move on. I could not stand the wait any longer. That particular month was emotional as it was our first Christmas without Andrew, and I just felt like I could not bear the waiting any longer.
That particular morning I was watching the 700 Club. When I saw that Terri and Pat Robertson were about to begin the next segment where they often share with the audience words of knowledge they receive from God, I prayed that God would speak to me loudly and clearly. I was just desparate and needed to hear from him.
As I sat on the couch, I closed my eyes and just listened to what they shared. They shared about people being healed of their skin diseases, issues with their eyes, and many others. Then, Terri chimes in one final time and says, “Someone else, you’ve been praying to conceive a child and you’ve had the longest struggle with this. God has heard your prayer and you are going to conceive in very short order.”
I was in shock after I heard those words. My heart was pounding and I just knew that what she spoke was for me. I wanted to tell someone, but at the same time, didn’t want to share with folks who I thought would think it was crazy. I went back to the bedroom and spent some time thanking the Lord for that word from him.
And then I started to question it. Was that really for me? Sure, we’ve been dealing with the loss of our son, but we haven’t been trying to conceive again for THAT long? And what does “very short order” mean? Does that mean we’ll conceive in a couple of months or a few months?
Later on that day, I told my mother and she was really encouraged by what Terri shared. She affirmed that Terri was speaking to me and she encouraged me to take God at his word. So, I felt very empowered and very encouraged.
So fast forward a little over 2 months, and I’m really really struggling to believe those words that God gave me. We’ve been talking so much about this topic in Bible study and then even the message yesterday at church. Do you really believe God?
In theory, YES, I absolutely believe God. But, on days like today, I really struggle with it. Sure, I can say I believe Him, but does my heart follow?
I’m just thankful that God knows my heart and that I can be honest before Him with my struggles.
So, here we are, still longing for our son and still unsure of when we will bring a living child into our home, but clinging to the Lord with all that we have and all that we are. There is no other option.