On March 3rd, I officially started my last year in my twenties! I had been dreading it for quite some time, and although it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had thought, I have to admit I was a little emotional. I’m not even sure I can totally put into words why or explain where it came from.
The day itself was nice. It was business as usual at work, but I was greeted with a nice card from my friend and co-worker. She also treated me to lunch, which was really nice. So far, so good, right?! After work, I went to the Y for my workout with my friend. We’ve been training for the 10k together, which has been fun. I had planned to go to the youth event at church, but I ran out of steam, so I opted to stay at home while Kevin went. I received numerous phone calls, Facebook messages, and birthday cards in the mail. It was very nice to be thought of on my birthday.
Later that night, I talked with my mom on the phone and the tears just erupted. I wasn’t sure exactly where they came from because it had been a good day and I wasn’t emotional up to that point.
I think this particular night was a combination of things. First, I think the reality of my life hit me yet again. While I consider myself extremely blessed, my life does not look like I had expected. I had always hoped to be married with one or two children by the time I was thirty. And while I am already mom to a beautiful son in heaven, and I still might end up with another baby in my arms before I turn thirty, I guess it just hit me that this is not where I expected to be at this time in my life. I expected to have a baby with us when Kevin and I went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday this year. I expected to have Andrew here when I reached this milestone. And his absence it still so painful sometimes, especially on special occasions like birthdays and other holidays.
While Kevin was gone that evening, I decided to book our reservations for our upcoming vacation. Since Kevin is a teacher, he will have a week off after Easter for Spring Break, so we have decided to drive down to Mississippi and visit with his family for a few days. On the way back home, we’ll stop over in Charleston, SC for a long weekend to end our vacation. I’ve been wanting to visit Charleston for quite some time and I’ve been anxious to book a hotel in Charleston, so I just decided to do it! When I was making the reservations, I couldn’t help but think about how much I hope we’ll have a reason to celebrate while we were in Charleston. Will we be pregnant by then? I told my mom that I’m going to enjoy this trip no matter what, but it would be even better if Kevin and I could use this trip to really celebrate some good news for our family!
I think some of the emotions also came from knowing that my friend Stacy was anxiously awaiting the arrival of her precious baby girl Eliana the following day (please check out her blog to see their beautiful baby girl who was born yesterday morning). Her first child, Isaac, is in heaven with Andrew and I can’t express how much her testimony has ministered to me over the past 7 months. While it can sometimes be difficult for me to watch some women bring home their babies (that’s a whole other blog post for another time), I have had nothing but joy and praise in my heart for Stacy and her husband, Spencer. They have walked with such grace, praising the Lord through it all, and I have been so happy thinking about what it will mean for them to hold their baby girl.
I think all of those things just built up and I needed to let it all out. Such a contrast of emotions too. Despite the emotional ending to my birthday, it was really not as bad as I had anticipated. For some reason, the idea of turning 29 has seemed like a bigger deal than turning 30. I’m not sure why. But, I’m slowly coming to grips with the idea that God truly is the author of my life, and this is just one chapter of the beautiful masterpiece he is in the process of creating. I get excited at the thought of what lies ahead for us. The Lord has walked this road with me, and I’m so thankful for that. He has met us in the valley of despair and he will be with us when we are on our mountaintop. No matter what joys or sorrows lie ahead, he will be there, and I’m so thankful.