One of the things I loved most about carrying Andrew was how active he was! I loved feeling him squirm around. I loved looking down at my lopsided belly, wondering if it was his foot or his bottom poking out on the right side. I loved it when we got to see him flip in the middle of sonograms! I loved when Kevin would put his hands on my belly and be able to feel some of what I was feeling from our little wiggle worm! I was so anxious to see what type of personality Andrew would have outside of my womb because he certainly had me thinking he was going to be quite the rambunctious boy!
Despite how much I loved feeling Andrew move inside my belly, I also can’t understand how I didn’t think anything of the fact that Andrew’s movements slowed down at the end of my pregnancy with him. Since we don’t really know exactly when Andrew died, I have no idea how much time actually went by where I didn’t feel a single movement.
How could I not notice that my child was no longer moving?
How did I not know my child was dead?
I don’t necessary blame myself for not knowing he had died. After all, he was 8 lbs. and everyone kept saying that it was normal for movements to change since he was running out of room! We were so close to delivery, that the thought of loosing him hadn’t even crossed my mind! I just assumed we were in the clear and that any risk would come during the actually delivery. Little did I know that my precious son had already gone to be with Jesus.
When I think back to the end of July, I get a pit in my stomach. It is still so gut-wrenching to even think about. To be so close to holding your son and have it taken away is just unfathomable. I still have moments when I think it just can’t be true. But, then, when I see his empty, fully-furnished nursery, I am reminded of just how true it is.
This evening, Kevin and I went out for my early birthday dinner, and I kept thinking about how our new “normal” still feels so abnormal. It still feels weird walking up the steps into our house without an infant carrier!
In many ways, I feel like Kevin and I have moved forward pretty well since our loss. But, when I think back to August 5th, I feel like I haven’t moved forward at all. It’s hard to explain.
Thanks again to those of you who are continuing to lift us up in prayer. It’s been so neat to see how the Lord uses so many of you who read to minister to and encourage me, at just the right times. Whether it’s through emails, Facebook messages, or comments here on my blog, your words of encouragement and prayers mean the world to me. Thank you for joining us on this road as we learn to balance the grief of loosing our son and hope for the future!