A friend and I were chatting today about some of the stresses in our lives and I told her I was thinking about going to see a counselor. I’ve never been to a counselor before, so I’m not really even sure what all that entails, but I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and really need to pray about it too.
While I really do think I’m doing pretty well overall, I find myself reliving the trauma of loosing Andrew in my mind at random times and I’m not sure if that’s normal. I don’t necessarily think about it all the time, but at random times in the day, I find my thoughts wandering back to August 5th and basically reliving everything over again in my mind…the shock, the disbelief, the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, and utter devastation. It was tough enough going through it the first time and then dealing with the grief that comes with such a loss, and it’s emotionally draining to be reliving it in your mind at random moments.
I don’t think I’m clinically depressed, but I’m wondering if this could be related to post-traumatic stress? I don’t even really know what that is, but it sounds good to me?? Ha! 🙂 And it certainly doesn’t help that it’s taking longer for us to conceive than I’d like. Not only do I relive the loss of Andrew in my mind at random times, I definitely relive things each month we find out that we’re not pregnant again. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s almost like a reminder of Andrew’s death each and every month, because in reality, I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about conceiving for a second time if I had my 7 month old baby with me. I shouldn’t be thinking about clomid or progesterone right now, but that’s where I find myself. In many ways, I feel like this is the perfect storm. Dealing with infertility and a loss at the same time is incredibly difficult and perhaps I could use some outside perspective.
Our support group has been wonderful for Kevin and I, but I do plan to look into a counselor that I might meet with one-on-one. We’ll see what happens with that. I want to make sure I’m healing well and making progress in this grief journey (which I think I am). My heart will never be totally healed on this side of heaven, but I do want to make sure I’m moving forward in a healthy way. It’s hard to even know because I really have no idea if what I’m going through is normal or not. That’s where I think a professional might be helpful.
Grief really is emotionally draining. I feel like I’m a lot more tired these days and while working full time and training for the 10k are probably part of that, I think a lot of it is just the energy that I expel just to cope with life after loosing Andrew (have I mentioned lately that I miss that cute boy??!!). Even the simplest of tasks are far more draining these days. I’ve yet to wear anything but waterproof mascara on Sundays at church b/c I know I’m almost sure to tear up. And it’s still hard to be around pregnant women or women with young children. It’s not tremendously difficult all the time, but just draining.
Grief is hard work, and I’m so thankful that the Lord is walking this road with me. He’s shown me so much grace and mercy through it all. And just knowing that he understands is huge for me. At support group last month, someone mentioned how awesome the Trinity was – how God the Father understands our grief (after all, he lost his one and only son) and Jesus certainly understands what it means to suffer. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it reassures me that God is walking this road with me, with complete love and understanding.