It’s been a little while since I have been able to post. I was thinking about it today and I think part of the reason is because I just don’t have a whole lot to say. I feel like I’ve said so that I’m out of things to say at this point. I’ve been mulling over an idea for a post about the pros and cons of Facebook for a grieving mother, but I’m having a hard time finding a way putting my feelings into words without coming across too harsh. We shall see what comes of that. 🙂
The reality of my life right now is that Kevin and I are doing well. I almost hate to even say that. I feel like I should still be sobbing each and every day over the absence of our son, but the reality is that I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, when the bad days come, they are usually REAL BAD. But, they are fewer and further between. What hasn’t changed though is just how much I miss Andrew. That missing is still as strong as ever.
Kevin and I have been pretty busy over the past month as spring has slowly started turning into summer. I know it might not be officially summer yet, but when your husband is counting down the days until school is out, summer is just around the corner! It’s been tough this spring and summer. I absolutely love warm weather – and love being outside when the weather is nice. I can’t help but think about all the nice walks, picnics at Maymont, and all the other fun spring and summer events we won’t get to experience with our son.
We’ve had a lot going on the past few weeks, which has also meant I haven’t had as much time to spend on my grief. That might sound weird that grief actually requires time and effort, but it definitely does for me. I feel ashamed that Andrew’s grave has no flowers on it right now. I hate that we’ve let the busyness of our weekends keep us from picking out some beautiful flowers to put there. I really dislike the fact that our backyard looks like a jungle yet again and is not neatly displaying the hydrangeas that we planted in August after we lost Andrew. I just hate how life gets in the way of me doing what I need to do to honor my son. It makes me mad.
The past 2 weekends we were out of town for special family events and I don’t regret that at all. But, overall, I need to do a better job of saying no to certain things so that I am able to do what I need to do in order to honor my son and spend time remembering him. I know in my innermost thoughts, he is never forgotten, but there is something so refreshing and healing about actually doing something to remember him. And how long does it really take to purchase flowers for a grave anyway? And does it really take that long to pull a few weeds from your backyard? These things seem so small, yet they are so important to me.
The other day I read a devotion titled “God is Good.” I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit lately and thought I’d end by sharing a little from it. I still don’t know what to make of it. I know in my head that God is certainly good, but when you’re faced with terrible tragedy like death, it’s sometimes a difficult pill to swallow.