I’ve had a ton on my mind lately and realized it’s been a little bit since a post. I don’t know about the rest of you bloggers out there, but sometimes I think about things that might be interesting to flesh out here on this blog at such bad times. Either that or by the time I find time, I’ve forgotten what it was I was going to blog about.
Anyway…..here goes. For today, it’ll just be the first thing that comes to mind.
Today was my 18 week appointment with my OB and things went really well. It was pretty uneventful really, which is fine by me. No blood work or major screenings, so it was basically just business as usual. Although my anxiety has been getting a little better with each and every positive appointment, I still get anxious the morning of my appts. In the shower this morning, I couldn’t help but think, “Will I find out today that my baby is dead?” I know, very morbid thoughts, and I hate thinking that way. But when it’s happened to you and others you know, you’re very aware of what could happen.
I definitely don’t know the psychology behind all those thoughts – maybe it’s the devil just trying to get me to assume the worst, or maybe it’s a defense mechanism or something? Like if I am prepared for the possibility that this baby might die, then it will make it easier to deal if that does become the reality? I know for sure part of it is the devil speaking lies to me, but at the same time, the trauma of loosing so Andrew unexpectedly has left a wound that is still healing. It still blows my mind that I have no idea how long I was carrying him without his heart even beating – it could have been a week since I had weekly appts at that time. I just don’t ever want to be that blindsided again, if I can help it. Crazy thoughts, I tell you! No mother should think this, but from what I hear, these feelings are not uncommon and crazy for someone who’s lost a baby.
When those thoughts do hit me, I just continue to do what Philippians 4:6 says,