Once Kevin and I announced that we were expecting a girl, I’ve had quote a few people ask me how I felt about it. It’s a good question really, especially since so much of who Andrew was to us was wrapped up in the fact that he was our first BOY. I’d be lying if I said it that gender doesn’t matter at all to me. Ultimately, we just want healthy children, but so much of who your children are and become is related to gender, so to say it doesn’t matter at all would not be truthful. I don’t know if that makes sense or not.
Finding out that our second child was a girl honestly wasn’t a huge surprise. Most of our closest friends suspected it would be a girl, and I sort of thought it would be as well. I didn’t have a gut feeling or anything like that even. I just had thoughts like, “Wouldn’t it be funny if this baby is a girl when we have a completely furnished boy nursery and tons of boy clothes?” I guess I just thought about how ironic that would be and figured it just might happen to us.
So, to answer the original question – Kevin and I are thrilled at the thought of welcoming a baby GIRL into our family! Well, she already is part of our family, but you know what I mean! I do know that it will be difficult putting away all of Andrew’s unused boy clothes, and putting away all of his unused crib bedding. But, I’m determined to not let the sadness of missing our son take away from the joy of this precious baby girl. It’s not easy though. One emotion doesn’t outweigh the other – I guess I’m still learning that they coexist, and that’s ok. We’re still figuring out this balancing act of joy and grief. (By the way, I recently read Angie Smith’s He Will Carry Me, which discusses this idea quite a bit. Excellent book!)
I probably wouldn’t think twice about painting over all those blue walls if Andrew was here with us. But, since he’s not, we’re already discussing ways to make the room more girly without actually painting it completely. Putting away all of Andrew’s clothes and bedding will be hard enough – I just don’t think I could deal with painting the walls at this point. I’m happy that our little Savannah will get to use her brother’s car seat and stroller. That makes me happy, although I do wish that he had gotten to use them first (there goes that mixture of emotion again!). The nursery is probably an entirely different topic altogether though. I get overwhelmed thinking about it at this point, so we may not even worry about it until this baby is home with us. We shall see.
I will always have a special place in my heart for little boys. And God willing, we just might have another one some day. But, no matter what our family looks like down the road, I will always have a special love for little boys. I can’t really explain it – not that I love girls less or will love our daughter less, but I just have this special attachment to those little guys. I’m sure it’s mostly because my little boy isn’t with us. I don’t even know if I’m making sense without sounding like a weirdo (because I promise I’m not!).
When I spoke to some family members about all this, I think they were expecting me to be disappointed that we were having a little girl. I tried to explain it as best I could – I’m excited about our little girl, but I can’t take away from the fact that it stinks that my little boy isn’t here. I have always wanted at least one little boy and one little girl (we’d love more if the Lord allows), and I have that. I just don’t have it in the same way that I had imagined.
We are so thankful though. Thankful for both of our children – our dear firstborn Andrew and his little sister, Savannah. I pray each and every day that she will know her brother. I don’t want her to just know about him, but to know him. I pray that she will one day come to know Jesus, and that she will be able to spend eternity with Him as well as her older brother in heaven. Thank you, Jesus, for making that possible!