I was listening to the radio about a week or so ago and was excited when an oldie, but goodie came on Christian radio. I remember listening to Caedmon’s Call like no one else during my college years. I had a few of their CD’s and listened to them religiously. Catchy tunes, lyrics that spoke truth, and just all around encouraging songs. LOVE Caedmon’s Call! I think I may have even heard them in concert back in the day as well.
One of my favorite Caedmon’s Call songs was playing this particular day titled “Thankful.” I start singing along when the second verse begins.
‘Cause we’re all stillborn and dead in our transgressions
We’re shackled up to the sin we hold so dear
So what part can I play in the work of redemption
I can’t refuse, I cannot add a thing
‘Cause I am just like Lazarus and I can hear your voice
I stand and rub my eyes and walk to You
Because I have no choice
I am thankful that I’m incapable
Of doing any good on my own
I’m so thankful that I’m incapable
Of doing any good on my own
I have listened to this song numerous times, but for the first time ever, that second verse has an entirely different meaning for me. When I heard the word stillborn in that second verse, it brought me back to Andrew and gave me a new understanding of what those lyrics really mean.
Just hours after delivering Andrew, it was still so surreal and I was having trouble wrapping my heard around what had just happened (as most of you know we were totally shocked to find out his heart was no longer beating 2 days earlier). I remember trying to process some of it with my mom and asking her, “What do I call this? A miscarriage?”
This concept of delivering a dead baby was so foreign to me that I didn’t even know what to call it. Miscarriage just didn’t seem to fit our situation. A loss is a loss, by all means, but when you go through the experience of laboring and delivering a dead baby, the word miscarriage just doesn’t seem to fit (Unfortunately, I know far too many family and friends who have miscarried and I do not in any way mean for this to sounds like I am diminishing those losses – please know that!).
My mom told me that I had experienced stillbirth. That Andrew was stillborn. Wow! Really? I had heard this word before loosing Andrew, but to have her use that word to describe our situation was a little surreal. It was a true description, but still surreal.
So, listening to that Caedmon’s Call song last week and hearing that second verse brought back everything. I remember so vividly what it was like to deliver Andrew and the silence that filled the room. Now that I’ve had a live birth, it’s such a stark contrast to when we had Savannah.
But the words to that Caedmon’s Call song are so true.
We’re all stillborn.
Dead in our transgressions.
Shackled up by the sin we hold so dear.
The good news is that we can be just like Lazarus, and be raised from the dead….. spiritually.
How cool is THAT?
I hope you will take some time and remember this today and throughout this season of Lent. I don’t celebrate Lent in any formal way, but what a good reminder of who we are without Christ and who we can be with Christ!
And it just so happens that today is Andrew’s 20 month birthday in heaven! Thank you sweet boy, for reminding mommy of the goodness of Christ! I’m so thankful the grave wasn’t the end!