The title of this post scares me to death. Not that it isn’t true, but that I find myself in a very similar place to when we found out our first child was no longer living. Just when we thought we were in “the home stretch,” we went to my 38 week appt on August 5, 2009 and found out that our journey with our son in my womb was actually over, and we wouldn’t be bringing him home with us like we had anticipated. We were in the home stretch then, and we are in the home stretch now – only we are not the same people we were then.
Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful pregnancy with our little girl. It has been as textbook as it can be (except for my pesky low platelets which had nothing to do with her at all), and for that I am so grateful. While we dealt with some of the uncertainties of knowing Andrew only had 1 normal kidney, we have been reassured time and time again that so far, everything looks wonderful with our little girl. My pregnancy with Andrew was wonderful too, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t perfect. Regardless of how the pregnancies were different, I still can’t help but feel like I’m experiencing a little bit of deja vu as we are now officially in this home stretch I mentioned before.
We found out that we lost Andrew a little less than 2 weeks before he was due. And here we are, anxiously awaiting my induction with our daughter, which is now only 7 days away! Someone asked me the other day how I was holding up emotionally. Honestly, I’m not even sure how to answer that question. While on one hand, I can’t wait to get my hands on her, there’s part of me that just isn’t sure it’s actually going to happen for us. When trying to get pregnant for the second time, the Lord spoke to me, telling me that we would conceive. That’s all I knew – I had no timetable, but was able to rest in knowing that it would happen at the right time. The Lord hasn’t given me a clear word on how my pregnancy with Savannah will turn out, so I’m finding myself in a completely vulnerable state – hoping, praying, begging the Lord to let us bring her home, but having no confirmation if it actually will happen.
It’s starting to get tougher and tougher to wait. With each passing day, I’m thrilled we are one step closer to meeting her and hearing her cry for the first time, but also petrified that we will be even closer to her induction date, only for something to go wrong. I know, it sounds so pessimistic, right?
I can’t express into words though, the amount of grace the Lord has shown me. While Kevin and I have received a tremendous amount of support from doctors, family, and friends, at the end of the day, this has ultimately been a moment by moment journey that the Lord and I have had to walk together. Just he and I – and frankly, it’s been beautiful. I’d love to sit here and say that I have had fantastic times reading the Bible and praying – that the Lord has given me clear reassurance the entire time and that I’m as strong a Christian now as ever. But, it hasn’t always been like that. Some days, I’ve been filled with hope and optimism and felt his presence in such a real way. And then other days, I’ve just had to cry out to him repeatedly over the same thing over and over again. The Lord has been so very patient with me. And today, as I finished my last day of work at my job, I felt even more vulnerable. I told the Lord that I’ve done all I know to do to prepare for Savannah’s birth, and now the rest is up to Him. Regardless of how things go, I know we are in good hands. He’s held us this far and I feel confident in knowing that His loving arms are the best place we can be.