Marriage is so much different than I had envisioned. It’s not necessarily worse or better…just different. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, so perhaps it’s my own fault for filling my head with way too many romantic movies over the years.
One of the things I think I grossly underestimated was how hard marriage would be. When The Teacher and I were dating, life was so carefree and we were “high on love,” discovering exciting new things about each other at every turn. We were younger and our relationship was somewhat effortless. Times have definitely changed since then and I’ve realized more and more that marriage is anything but effortless.
{And just so you know, when I say that marriage is hard, it’s usually not because of The Teacher. If I’m honest, I have to admit that most of the time marriage is hard because of me. Ouch.}
I saw a great article on Facebook the other day that put it so well {I don’t know much about this blogger, but I thought the article was so true}. So often, we point the finger and think about ways the other person should be treating us/loving us differently. But, just as the old saying goes, “when you point a finger, there are usually more fingers pointing back at you.” So, so true.
With all that in mind, I wanted to pass along my favorite marriage tip. We picked this up from a few wise married couples in our church and I’m so thankful they shared it with us.
What is the 10/10?
The idea behind the 10/10 is that you sit down with your spouse each day and each of you gets to speak for 10 minutes, uninterrupted. Once the first person has gone, the other can react, give feedback, etc. to what the other has said. Then, you switch and do it all over again. The idea is simple, really, but The Teacher and I have found it to be really beneficial in our marriage.
Here are some of the benefits that I have seen:
1. Intentional communication for at least 10 minutes each day.
I never thought The Teacher and I would have to “schedule” time to communicate each day, but life can get so crazy and chaotic that we have sadly found that sometimes we go far too long without truly communicating unless we are intentional. Yes, we might exchange information or our schedules, but the 10/10 gives you the opportunity to go beyond “information dumps” as I like to call them.
2. Each spouse has a chance to be heard.
Have you ever felt like someone is listening to you but not really hearing you? Sometimes we may not even want a response from the person, but we just have a need to be heard and understood. The 10/10 gives each person the opportunity to speak without being interrupted, which fosters this need to be heard.
3. You will become a better listener.
I have a tendency to struggle with being a good listener. Often, while someone is speaking to me, I’m already thinking about how I’m going to respond. This cause me to loose focus on what the person is actually saying. With the 10/10, there is no agenda and because you know you will have your turn eventually, there is no need to feel like you must share your opinion or react right away. It’s been a challenge sometimes, but it’s good for me to practice just sitting and listening.
A Few Practical Suggestions
Pick a time and/or place without distractions.
You don’t have to do this at the exact same time/place every day, but just make sure you choose a time when you will have the fewest distractions.
Alternate who begins.
Take turns each night with who will begin first. This way, you don’t feel like you are always going first or always going last. Or maybe you come up with a fun way to decide who goes first each day.
Guard this time.
Try not to let things creep into this time. Fatigue might set in later in the night, so you might try an earlier time when you are both more alert. And don’t feel bad if you have to turn off your phone, so you aren’t interrupted by a phone call that can wait.
Put away your cell phone, laptops, and turn the TV off.
This might sound like an obvious one, but we’ve probably all been on the receiving end of someone trying to talk to you and them taking twice the amount of time to finish their thought because they are trying to read a text and talk at the same time. Just do everyone a favor and put all the technology away…remember, it’s only for 20 minutes.
The Teacher and I do not have a perfect marriage. Even after 10 years, I feel like we disagree more than we should. But, I have been so pleased with how well the 10/10’s have helped us communicate better. If you are looking for an idea to improve your communication with your spouse, give it a try! It might sound silly or juvenile to some, but your marriage is worth it. 🙂
Related Posts:
Why EVERY Couple Needs a Marriage Mentor
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