I’ve been wanting to post for the past couple of days, but so many things are swirling around in my head that I don’t even really know what to say.
I’ll start with a confession of sorts. Lately, I have found myself thinking some pretty terrible thoughts. I’ve also fallen victim to playing the comparison game. I won’t disclose everything here since I’ve already confessed to the Lord, but let’s just say that I have realized more in the past few days just how despicable I am in and of myself. I find myself echoing the word of Isaiah in Isaiah 6:1-7.
“In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.” At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. “Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.” Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.”
I’m so thankful that my guilt is taken away! Some of the things that have crossed my mind and are wretched and I’m ashamed to even confess them here. But in the Lord’s mercy and grace, he has forgiven me and it has been forgotten! Oh, how I wish I could forgive like the Lord can – definitely something I need to work on.
On another note, I spent some time in Andrew’s room the other night. It’s a little cluttered right now (we have some things in there that still haven’t been put back in our island from our beadboard project at Christmas), and it’s really been bothering me. I’ve been wanting to take some pictures of it so we can remember what it looked like leading up to Andrew’s arrival. I have no idea what we’ll do with it down the road (depends on whether we have a girl or boy next), but regardless, it was Andrew’s room first and I want to remember it how it was when we were preparing for his birth. I’ll post some more pictures later once it’s totally cleaned up, but here’s a picture of the crib. I would love to have a girl, but I have to admit that I really would like to put this precious boy bedding to some good use.
It is OK to wait. Don't feel you have to rush to take it all down! It is a beautiful room and a place you can go to think of him…
Sarah
You will know when the time is right. Don't rush anything and know that you are dealing the best you know how with God's help. He will bless you for your faithfulness.
My co-worker lost her grandaughter a few weeks after birth this summer to an undiagnosed heart condition. I ask about her daughter every once and awhile and she said she noticed the other day that the nursery is still the same as it was. I think what you are feeling and doing is normal – so don't beat yourself up about it!
I am so encouraged by your faith and I am praying that God will bless you soon with another pregnancy – not a replacement for sweet Andrew – but as another addition to your already beautiful family.
Many blessings!
Kristin
Sarah,
In response to the first part of your post, I just want to say you are not alone. Grief can do things to you that you never thought you would say or do. And The grief "step" are not something that you finish and graduate from forever. It is a cycle, sometimes you find yourself in acceptance only to wake up in anger. I know you do, but take it to the Lord. He knows your thoughts and feelings already and wants to release you from them.
Isnt it wonderful that we serve a Risen and full of Grace Savior. I pray for you each day in my quiet time.
I still have little things up for my babies. Dont feel rushed or like you must move on and take Andrew's bedding down. Because you dont. Take your time and do what feel right in your heart.
Saying a special prayer for you today and you are in a valley. Your friend in Christ, Mary Ellen
I say keep it up if you are ok with it! I love his bedding and his name on the wall.
I think it's good you went to God in confession and when we do He forgives us!