Our little guy celebrated his 4th birthday in heaven yesterday.
I can hardly believe it, really. In some ways, the time has flown by so quickly and yet at the same time, it feels like an eternity since we laid eyes on his sweet face and held his perfect body…all 8 pounds of him.
All day today I kept thinking about how life might be different had Andrew been able to come home with us.
As I got the children in the car and drove off to Target, I wondered…Would I be driving a minivan by now if Andrew were here?
When I led Savannah to her room for her nap, I asked myself… Would Andrew and Brady be sharing this room if he had made it?
As I thought about when I’m going to make time to put away all of Brady’s 9 months clothes, I thought…I would probably be donating these or consigning these if Andrew were here.
We miss our little boy so much, and yet the missing has changed over the past 4 years.
Now that we have 2 living children in our home, the missing is much more tangible. We know what life with little kids looks like now and how precious it is to be a part of what God is doing in their lives. We know now what could have been, and in some ways it makes the missing even harder.
And yet, God is so faithful to minister to my heart. While having Brady and Savannah in our midst can make the missing much more palpable, those 2 little angels have healed my heart in ways I can not describe. It is a pure delight to be their mother, even on the hard days….and there are certainly some hard ones- ha!
Just yesterday, we were walking through Target {again, on Andrew’s birthday} and an older woman started a conversation with Savannah. {Or maybe Savannah started the conversation when she asked me if the lady was her grandma?} 🙂 I had no idea what would transpire before my very eyes.
The woman pointed over at Brady, sitting in the front of the cart and asked Savannah, What is your brother’s name?
Her answer almost made me cry right there in the store and makes me tear up just typing it out.
She replied with a coy grin, Baby Andrew!
She may not understand what is means to have an older brother in heaven, but she is slowly learning that he is and always will be a part of our family. We speak of Andrew quite often in our home, but at this stage, it tends to be Kevin and I initiating. So, it was such a sweet moment to hear it straight from Savannah’s mouth, even if she was referring to the wrong brother in that specific moment. Minor detail, right? 🙂
Our day yesterday was pretty normal, but I did want to do some things that we enjoy as a family as way of remembering him. After running some errands and trying on yet another swimsuit at Target, I grabbed some McDonald’s for lunch. We love us some McDonald’s cheeseburgers around here!
After nap time, Kevin surprised us by coming home from work a little early. It gave Savannah and I some time to grab some items at the Martins just up the street. I let her pick out the Watermelon cake that we ate for dessert and I struggled to hold her hand as she insistently tried to carry the blue and white balloons to the car. She was so excited about those balloons.
I even had a neat conversation with the lady at the floral counter who checked us out. We had already greeted each other when I entered the store and seemed friendly then, so it was nice to have her as our cashier too.
As she was blowing up the balloons for us and upon seeing the cake and flowers already on the counter, she asked, What is all this for? A baby shower?
In that moment, I was so glad she asked that question. Sometimes I’m not prepared for those sorts of questions, but today I was.
I replied, Well, this may sound weird, but we lost our first child and today is his birthday. So, we like to release balloons and leave flowers at his grave and eat birthday cake in order to celebrate. We like to make it a celebratory occasion.
She proceeded to tell me that the store founder’s daughter also did the same thing for her baby and that she thought it was so nice. I immediately knew who she was referring to because this particular woman was in our grief support group a couple of years ago. It was one of those “small world” moments and I had to chuckle on the inside.
I explained to her that I knew the woman she spoke of and that she had been such a blessing to our family as we were navigating those early months of very raw grief. If I hadn’t been trying to prevent Savannah from letting go of the balloons as we walked out, I would have called Kevin immediately. It was a neat moment to be able to talk about Andrew and to then have the cashier speak of someone who has been so dear to us through the healing process.
After we enjoyed our cake and the kids faces were smothered in icing, we proceeded to the cemetery to release the balloons and leave the flowers. Blue hydrangeas always remind me of Andrew, as they were one of the flowers we had at the funeral home on the day of his memorial service.
I placed the flowers in the vase {after pulling up lots of grass that was covering his headstone – that’s a whole different story that almost had me livid} and turned around to get Savannah so she could stand near Brady for a picture when I saw a familiar vehicle pull up right behind our car. It was one of my dear friends and I was almost stunned for a minute.
We have never had anyone come to the cemetery with us other than family members and our pastor who was there the day Andrew was buried, so needless to say I was taken aback to see her walk up to us. Her being there meant the world. She stayed there with us for a few more minutes as I snapped a couple of pictures and Savannah released the balloons for us. What a treasure it was to share that with her.
Our day may not have been fancy or elaborate, but it was meaningful. And that’s what the day was all about in the first place. I’ll leave you with a video of this precious little sister.
