The past few weeks, I’ve certainly felt a roller coaster of emotions – some very painful and then some that are joyful. In the midst of this grief journey, I think I’m also having somewhat of an identity crisis. I’ll try to explain.
For most of my life, I’ve always had an idea of what was ahead. Through school, I always had a glimpse of what was coming next (even if but just a small glimpse). In high school, I always knew that college would come next. I was blessed enough to be able to go to a great school, had a fantastic experience, and grew in my faith tremendously. Even as the end of college approached, I was happily engaged to Kevin and planning a wedding when most of my friends were stressing about jobs. I wasn’t worried, because I knew I would be married and we’d figure it out together once we were married. That was enough for me.
When we moved to Richmond, it didn’t take me too long to find a job and I was able to dive into that. I worked very hard and was promoted a few times. I was quite happy with my job and my co-workers.
Kevin and I then started trying to have children. Even in the midst of the uncertainty of that, I always felt like I had some sort of plan in place to help keep me going. If we didn’t get pregnant after a year, we could then go to the fertility doctor. As much as I didn’t like the idea, at least I felt like I was doing something to accomplish my next goal in life.
Despite losing my job at Circuit City, I still knew what was next – motherhood. While so many of my friends were overwhelmed with the stress of job hunting (and rightly so), I really wasn’t too worried. I had planned to stay at home with Andrew. You know the rest of that story.
I guess it’s the planner in me but it just seems like there has always been a “next step.” I’ve always had some sort of plan for my life. Even during my pregnancy with Andrew, I had thought about how long we’d wait before trying for a second. I guess that’s just how my mind works.
Not only have I always had a plan but I’ve also always had a defined role or title, whether it be student, new wife, employee, or expectant mom. Who am I now that Andrew is gone? What comes next?
While some might be excited at this sort of place in life when the future is totally undefined and limitless, I’m finding it quite terrifying. I’m clinging to the Lord to give me those answers. I know where I want to be, but I have no clue how, if, or when I’ll get there. I know what I want my future to look like, but after Andrew’s sudden and unexpected death, I’m scared to try, plan, and sometimes even hope. When your dreams are shattered so quickly, it shakes you a little.
I’m so grateful to know the Lord. When my future is uncertain and I’m fearful to even hope, I only know to open his Word and to let the truths in it permeate my heart, mind and soul. Emotions are such a strange thing. God created them, but yet the devil sure does like to use them against us.
When I slip back into my identity crisis, I have to go back to Scripture and remind myself of who God created me to be….as this is truly where my identity lies.
1. I was created to be in relationship with Christ. (Colassians 1:16)
“For by him all things were created: things in heaven and earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.”
2. I was created to be God’s daughter, and as a daughter of a King, a Princess, which comes with privileges and responsibilities. (Matthew 25:34)
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.’”
3. I was created in God’s image and God doesn’t make junk. I’m a masterpiece. (Psalm 139:13-16)
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
Although I don’t know the details of my future, I can rest in knowing that I do have an identity and a purpose in this life. The world may look at my situation and ask me why I’m not pounding the pavement trying to “make things happen,” but I know that I’m exactly where I am supposed to be, and that brings me great comfort. God is so much bigger than my plans and HIS plans are so much bigger than mine could ever be. Now that’s something to get excited about!!!
So beautifully written, and so true. And don't forget… you are also a mother. It is so hard to know what that looks like when your son isn't here with you; but Andrew's absence doesn't make you any less of a mother than the absence of your parents would make you any less of a daughter, or the absence of your sister wouldn't make you any less of a sister. There is such an ache in being a mother who has lost her child; but please be confident that you certainly are one… and one in whom I know the Lord is well pleased, Sarah 🙂
What a beautiful post. I have been praying for you…came to your blog through Stacy's. I can't imagine your pain but I so appreciate that in spite of it you are walking in His will, sharing with transparency and giving hope to others. God will bless you in a big way because of your faithfulness.
Kristin
You write so beautifully and honestly. May I suggest you read Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser? It is written by a spiritual woman who has experienced deep heartache. She shares the stories of others who have been through such pain and how they come out of it. When I was in the midst of my own devastating circumstances, I read this book. It helped me settle my mind, so to speak. It helped me surrender to time and allow my new role and next plan to reveal themselves to me.
You all are in my prayers.