Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy today. Perhaps the rainy, dreary weather has made it worse, but I’m just in a funk today. I’ve had some good moments during the day, but I just can’t seem to snap out of this gloomy mood I’m in. I guess that’s the crazy thing about grief – it’s not something you can really control.

I just got back from a quick trip to MD to have a meal with my family. We met up at Texas Roadhouse between Baltimore and Richmond to celebrate my dad’s birthday earlier this week. Now that I’m back, I should be reviewing the Sunday School lesson for tomorrow one final time. We’re going to be discussing Luke 9:1-6 where Jesus sends out the 12 disciples to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. It’s a great passage, but I’m just struggling right now with how to teach this lesson. Right now, I feel like I’m the one who needs healing, so I’m not sure how this will go tomorrow.

I can’t sit before the girls and just pretend like this whole discipleship thing is easy. Whether I’m in a funk or not, my calling hasn’t changed. I’m still called to go and share the good news with others, but that seems like such a daunting task when I feel so broken. I’m thankful that God doesn’t NEED me to accomplish his purposes – I don’t need to feel like I must “have it all together” before I can be ready to go.

In fact, Jesus told the disciples not to bring anything – no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. I guess I can apply that to myself. God doesn’t want me to bring anything. He just wants me to go, as I am, and rely on him. Perhaps when we leave everything behind, that’s when he will receive the most glory. We are forced to rely ENTIRELY on him.

So, Lord, here I am, empty handed and heavy-hearted……but I’m ready to go. Use me Lord.