I’ve already had to remind myself numerous times today that Jesus is enough. This has just been one of those weekends. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with life in general (all the fun little things like bills, plumbing issues, etc.) but Andrew has been on my mind a ton lately. Perhaps it’s because we know people who are about to deliver babies and I wish so badly that we could have had a normal delivery? Or maybe it’s because we’re finding out friends and neighbors are expecting while we are not? No matter what triggers the emotions, we just plain miss our son.
Today at church was a baby dedication service. When I noticed this event in the bulletin a few weeks ago, I began pondering how we should handle it. Part of me wanted to actually participate. I contemplated asking our pastor if he knew of a way that we could include Andrew. After all, we essentially dedicated him to the Lord the moment we found out we were expecting him. Then I just thought that would almost be harder than not participating at all. It would be torturous to stand up at the front of church with no baby in my arms, and I don’t know that the folks at church would understand our mindset in doing something like that. And in many ways, our memorial service was sort of like a baby dedication (that’s where the picture at the beginning of the post is from).
Then I thought, maybe we could purchase some flowers and have them dedicated in his memory. I thought of this later than probably would have been logistically feasible, and quite honestly, we didn’t have the money for such an arrangement.
After more thought, I just simply asked Kevin if we could skip out on the service and head to the cemetary instead. I just didn’t think my heart could handle it today. I’ve made a conscious effort to push myself out of my comfort zone during this grief journey and I’ve sometimes paid the consequences. It’s not that I shouldn’t have done those things, but perhaps I should pace myself a little better. Doing even the simplest things can be draining for me, and sometimes I expect too much from myself.
Today for instance, Kevin and I were running some errands. We were in BJ’s buying Turbo Tax and some paper towels. Well, we walk past the diaper aisle and I immediately flash back to my pregnancy with Andrew when my father was purchasing diapers for him. It stung.
I can think of countless places or things that trigger those memories of Andrew. And while I love to think of Andrew, it’s still so painful not having him here with us. I still feel like the pain is very raw.
So, we skipped out on church today after Sunday School. We visited the cemetary and Kevin and I just stood there in silence for a few minutes. I asked him what he was thinking. He said, “I’m just thinking that I’d rather be holding him than being here at his grave.” I was thinking the exact same thing. I was also thinking how I should be so happy that he’s in heaven with Jesus, but yet I’m not. I know in my heart of hearts that heaven is the best place for my son, but oh how I wish he could have been in our arms first.
One of these days, our nontraditional family will be reunited and the tears and sadness will be gone forever. Thank you, Jesus, for making a way to heaven!
I understand this post very much! I have not been to church since having Nathan. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the questions I'll be asked or the fact that the church I attend must drink fertility water as everyone seems to be pregnant. I agree Jesus is enough. Praying for your healing.
-kc
sarah- as always thanks for sharing your heart. our baby dedication service is this evening and this year we get to stand there holding our precious callyn joy- i can't help to think that just last year i would have had the same responce you did. there is no way i would have been able to sit through it- so thankful for god's comfort and blessings (even when we don't understand.)
Still praying for you guys. It is so hard. We skipped our church's baby dedication as well.
You never know what is going to trigger those emotions; sometimes it can be the smallest, most mundane things like walking past the "wrong" aisle in the store. It catches you so off guard.
You are walking this road of grief so well, Sarah… with so much grace and authenticity. Keep talking… keep blogging. Your words not only allow us to get to know you more, but also allow us to get to know Andrew more. And I am certain that your words are an encouragement to other grieving moms to help them know that they are not alone.
Praying…
~ Stacy
Sarah – My heart is broken for you. I can't imagine the depth of your pain. The world is unfair and it sucks. Don't be affraid to tell Christ how you are feeling. He knows and He can take it. He's a big boy. Let Him hear the depths of your soul.
Know that you are loved and consistently prayed over.
Jeff E.
Billy and I continue to pray for you. We pray that Jesus will continue to be your comfort and strength. We love you guys.
Jen Hamner
I remember not long after Carleigh was gone that there was a baby dedication at church. In all fairness, our pastor warned us about it but I thought it would be no big deal. When they started to sing Jesus Loves Me I about lost it and walked out. I somehow managed to hold it together. It was tough. We did have a dedication for Carleigh after her birth. Our pastor did it. I'm glad he did that for us even though she was already in Heaven.