One of the things I loved most about carrying Andrew was how active he was! I loved feeling him squirm around. I loved looking down at my lopsided belly, wondering if it was his foot or his bottom poking out on the right side. I loved it when we got to see him flip in the middle of sonograms! I loved when Kevin would put his hands on my belly and be able to feel some of what I was feeling from our little wiggle worm! I was so anxious to see what type of personality Andrew would have outside of my womb because he certainly had me thinking he was going to be quite the rambunctious boy!
Despite how much I loved feeling Andrew move inside my belly, I also can’t understand how I didn’t think anything of the fact that Andrew’s movements slowed down at the end of my pregnancy with him. Since we don’t really know exactly when Andrew died, I have no idea how much time actually went by where I didn’t feel a single movement.
How could I not notice that my child was no longer moving?
How did I not know my child was dead?
I don’t necessary blame myself for not knowing he had died. After all, he was 8 lbs. and everyone kept saying that it was normal for movements to change since he was running out of room! We were so close to delivery, that the thought of loosing him hadn’t even crossed my mind! I just assumed we were in the clear and that any risk would come during the actually delivery. Little did I know that my precious son had already gone to be with Jesus.
When I think back to the end of July, I get a pit in my stomach. It is still so gut-wrenching to even think about. To be so close to holding your son and have it taken away is just unfathomable. I still have moments when I think it just can’t be true. But, then, when I see his empty, fully-furnished nursery, I am reminded of just how true it is.
This evening, Kevin and I went out for my early birthday dinner, and I kept thinking about how our new “normal” still feels so abnormal. It still feels weird walking up the steps into our house without an infant carrier!
In many ways, I feel like Kevin and I have moved forward pretty well since our loss. But, when I think back to August 5th, I feel like I haven’t moved forward at all. It’s hard to explain.
Thanks again to those of you who are continuing to lift us up in prayer. It’s been so neat to see how the Lord uses so many of you who read to minister to and encourage me, at just the right times. Whether it’s through emails, Facebook messages, or comments here on my blog, your words of encouragement and prayers mean the world to me. Thank you for joining us on this road as we learn to balance the grief of loosing our son and hope for the future!
I pray for you each day
Happy Birthday Sarah….:) I understand exactly, the thoughts that you are having concerning the end of your pregnancy…but you are absolutely correct about concluding that the lack of movement was due to lack of room to move around-totally natural thought…I know that dealing with the random, "what if's" must be impossibly difficult…but you have to know that you did EVERYTHING right….Everything….
side note….hard to write this, not sure if I ever told you this in a comment or email before….I have a good friend named Jess…she went thru exactly the same situation a year and a half ago-normal pregnancy, went into delivery, no issues…and her little one didn't get to meet her that day…6 months later, the day that I met her, she was rushed out of work with an tubal pregnancy and almost died herself…she didn't handle things as well as you, slipped into depression and guilt….She was well into her early thirties, and time seemed to be a real pressure for her…she has no other children…
…so….this is the part that I need to share…it has been in my head and heart for months….we were in durham in early august, and Jess txtd me to say that she was pregnant!!!! I was so happy, yet completely upset because I just can't stand the thought of another thing happening to her…I was still wiping away tears of excitement and apprehension as I entered the condo and logged onto facebook….at which point I immediately learned from Zack and Tuck's status that the worse had happened for you…it was literally a matter of minutes between my happiness for her, and my utter feeling of devastation for you and Kevin.
Those two pieces of information became intertwined in my head and heart ever since…
As I sit here, Jess is txting me about her contractions-she is due next week…I am still petrified for her and have no idea how women like the two of you carry on….I admire the strength that you have…I admire your faith (which Jess does not have to lean on)
I hope that it's ok-telling you these things-it's just been one of those things that has been in my head for months now…I know that your day is coming-the day you will hold your "new" child, and the day that you will hold Andrew again….I have total faith in that….
for now, just know that your story, along with the intertwining of Jess's story, has softened my heart and made me appreciate what I have been given so much more….
You deserve that absolute BEST in life…and you will get it sweetie:)
much love…sami