10 Months Without Andrew

I can’t even believe it’s been 10 months since we saw our precious Andrew.  Like another babyloss mommy commented on my Facebook page earlier, it feel like it was just yesterday but also years ago all at the same time.  I’m finding that these sorts of polar opposite emotions/feelings/thoughts are just part of my new reality.  It’s a weird place to be in, for sure.

I remember very vividly feeling such extremely opposite emotions just days after finding out we would not be bringing Andrew home with us after all.  After we laid eyes on him, I was so thrilled to see my very own child for the first time, but also utterly heartbroken that those couple of hours were all we’d get with him on this side of heaven.  I also remember those dark days after – when I literally sobbed in the shower over the heartache, while also praising God for allowing my baby to be in heaven. 

And while my emotions aren’t quite as intense these days, those polar opposite emotions are still there.  While in one thought, I still can’t wrap my head around why we were the ones who had to become a statistic, I can’t help but immediately lift my eyes to the sky and thanking God for our precious baby waiting on us in heaven.

Just this evening, I opened up my devotion book and the title for the day was “God is Faithful.”  How appropriate for this day.  I’ve said those words numerous times throughout my Christian walk, but those words have so much more meaning now.  It’s so easy to say those words, on the front end of a storm that will literally rock your world.  It’s so easy to say those words when all is going well in life and your feelings match up perfectly.

Those words take on a whole new meaning when  you’re in the midst of the storm and you sometimes feel like you can barely come up long enough to get a breath.  Those words are still true, but you find yourself saying them in hopes of convincing yourself they are true.  Even though the feelings don’t match up, you know them to be truth, so you have no other choice but to cling to them.

That phrase also takes a new meaning 10 months later.  That’s where I find myself.  I wouldn’t necessarily say our storm is completely over.  In our specific situation, we will never be “over” the loss of our son.  But, I can look back on the past 10 months and most definitely say that God is faithful.  It is only by His grace and mercy that we have made it through this tough, tough year.  He has met us in the midst of it all – and walked right beside us.  And quite often, even carried us.  I love that poem “Footprints in the Sand” because the message is so true.  It’s in those dark moments when Jesus literally picks you up and carries you through.  Gone are both sets of footprints, but His footprints are evidence of His love and care in the midst of it.

And while I’d give just about anything to have my son with us, I also cannot express what going through this with the Lord by my side has done for my relationship with him.  So many of the things I knew as a young and innocent Christian have a completely new meaning.  My faith is not just something theoretical, but it’s utterly and completely real.  My God is not just a mystical being that I say I love, but He is 100% real in my life.  I’ve tasted and seen Him in a real way. 

My devotion talks about God’s faithfulness in the context of our unfaithfulness to Him.  The author references the story of Hosea and Gomer.  If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a good one.

 So, here we are again, back to the extreme opposite emotions.  While I still miss my little boy like I can’t even express, I’m so grateful for the Lord’s faithfulness through it all.  God has used my precious son in remarkable ways, and I couldn’t be more proud as a mommy.