It’s hard to believe that I gave birth to Andrew a month ago today. The day didn’t look quite like Kevin and I pictured it.
I’ve wanted to share Andrew’s birth story since the moment we had him {What proud Mama wouldn’t?}, but the first month since his stillbirth have been a whirlwind and I just haven’t had a chance to sit down to write it all out.
Before I get to all that though, I need to rewind a coupld of days.
On August 5th, I went in for my 39 week appointment and was excited to see how my body was progressing. I had been having some Braxton Hicks contractions on occassion and they had begun to intensify. After sitting in the waiting area for about 30-45 minutes, they finally called us back. Since it was summertime for Kevin, he was able to be there with me.
When my OB walked in, we discussed the same ole’ things. I told her about my increased Braxton Hicks contractions and that I had finished up my second dose of steriods {which I had been taking to hopefully raise my platelet count so that an epidural was an option if needed during delivery}. We briefly discussed an induction date if I hadn’t gone into labor on my own. With Andrew being almost 8 lbs. the prior week, we felt it probably wasn’t best to go much past my due date of August 14th. We had to wait to see about my platelets before we could put anything on the calender though. We were ready – we were there. Kevin and I could taste parenthood!
I wanted my OB to check me first, because I was so anxious to see how much I had dilated since the prior week’s appointment. I really had a gut feeling that my body was kicking into gear and that I’d be having Andrew by the end of the week {it turned out I was correct}.
My OB went ahead and pulled out the doplar to check for his heartbeat first…only, she couldn’t find it. She told me that he was in the birth position {with back facing up towards the top of my stomach} and that it was sometimes hard to hear it through his back. She continued trying to find it. After what seemed like hours, she told me to get dressed so she could do a sonogram. I was extremely worried at this point. I knew this couldn’t be good.
Once in the other room, she started the sonogram. I knew Andrew was gone immediately just by looking at the screen – there was nothing. She called in the sonographer to have another set of eyes. The sonographer took a look and basically handed the wand to my OB and left the room. My worst nightmare was happening before my very eyes.
Andrew was dead – he was gone. Our baby was gone.
After a lot of tears and questions, we discussed delivery. They took some blood and my OB sent everything off quickly – she would have my platelet levels by that evening so we could see how to proceed.
My OB called me that night and told me that my platelets were still too low, but that she was going to call around to see if she could find an anesthesiologist who would make an exception because of our situation. My levels were below the 100 threshold for an epidural, but had been stable throughout the pregnancy and even the hemotologist thought I would be fine if they gave me one.
Normally, I would have probably just tried to go natural {which is what I had hoped to do all along} but given the circumstances, I really wanted to be able to get the epidural. Either way, the plan was that I would be induced on Friday, August 7th.
My parents and sister arrived later that night and some of my other relatives who live in Richmond came over as well. We hadn’t had a chance to tell people other than our family, so I was so grateful to them for being so supportive during the worst day of our lives.
August 6th was such a weird day. I still couldn’t really believe what was happening. Andrew was still inside me, but he was dead. That morning, we visited with our pastors from church, and they were amazing. God really annointed them that day to speak truth to us. I sobbed the entire time but it was still good. I needed to hear what they had to say. I also prayed that day that God would do a miracle and Andrew would be alive when we delivered him, but deep down inside I just knew it wasn’t going to happen. I don’t know if that was just a lack of faith on my part or God just preparing my heart.
My cramping got worse as the day continued {looking back, it was probably the start of early labor}. Per my OB’s advice, I took a sleeping pill that night so I could get some good sleep before our induction. It turned out that my body started to go into labor that night on its own. I was very sleepy due to the sleeping pill {and a little incoherent} but I definitely remember feeling full blown contractions.
Kevin was such a trooper. Despite my groggy-ness, he decided it was time to go to the hospital at about 3:30am. He was not about to let me wait until my induction at 7:30am and risk me delivering in our own house. So off we went to the hospital.
When we opened the door the morning of August 7th, we saw tons of cards and notes and flowers all spread out on our front stoop. God really used our friends to show us how bathed we were in prayer for what was certainly going to be a tough day. Thank you all again for that special blessing that day – we can’t thank you guys enough!
I finally got settled in at the hospital and my family arrived shortly thereafter. When the nurse finally checked me, I was 8 cm dilated!! I had made it that far naturally and I started to wonder whether the epidural was even necessary.
The anesthesiologist that my OB had found finally arrived and told me the risks of the epidural {especially considering my platelet issue} and I was honestly freaked out. I had no clue what to do – part of me wanted to just push through the pain but the other part of me knew this was going to be tough enough emotionally without thinking about the pain. I opted for the epidural.
After taking the epidural, my labor slowed down quite a bit. Kevin and I were able to rest some, but after a while, my nurse decided to tilt my bed to help get my labor going again. It worked very quickly and pretty soon, it was time to push. Within 25 minutes, I was holding our beautiful little boy, Andrew.
It was such a bittersweet moment. I was so thrilled see him for the first time and couldn’t believe how beautiful he was, but was utterly heartbroken that this would be the only memory we would share as a family of three. I kissed him and rubbed his little nose and soaked up every second of our time with him. Oh, how I wish I could have seen him breathe and hear him cry! My heart breaks again just thinking about it.
God was so gracious in the midst of it though. There were many blessings he gave us along the way – confirming that in the midst of the sadness, He still loved us so dearly. My nurses and my OB were fantastic and couldn’t have been more tender and supportive. My family was there in the delivery room and their presence was so comforting – my sister even helped me while I was pushing. Kevin did amazingly well too – I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive husband throughout the labor and delivery! He was by my side the entire time, which has melded us even closer than we were before.
Despite the sadness of the day, I’m so thankful that God allowed us to see our son and hold him for the time we did. We could have held him for the entire day and it would have never been enough, but I’m still so thankful that we had the time we did.
God also blessed us through the non-profit organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. One of their photographers came in and took some professional photos for us free of charge. He was so kind to us and we are so grateful to him for his work. I could go on and on about the good things that God gave us that day to help get us through. He was certainly faithful that day.
Even a month later, I can hardly wrap my head around what has transpired. We are still picking up the pieces of our lives, still trying to make sense of it all, still dealing with the pain and hurt, and still missing our Andrew.
I wish I had some super insightful comment to leave with any readers out there, but I don’t. All I know is that I trust the Lord. I trust in his plan for Kevin and I and for our precious Andrew. I trust that his promises are true and that Andrew is in the most perfect place he could be. I trust that one day I’ll see Andrew again when I am also in heaven with my creator. The world is a painful place, and I am so thankful that the Lord offers hope in the midst of it.
Lamentations 3:21-23
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
I stumbled upon your blog through the Apinis' blog. I am also friends with Ashly Tucker. Your faith astounds me. What a beautiful vessel of Christ you are.
I am so, so sorry you lost your sweet boy and will keep you in prayer.
Becca Daws
I'm so so sorry for your loss. Andrew is truly blessed to have parents who love him so. I will keep you, your husband and your sweet angel in my thoughts and prayers.
Just found your blog today and I just want you to know that I will add you to my prayer list of fellow Angel Mommies. You write so beautifully and my heartbreaks for the journey you are beginning.
Sarah, Just stumbled accross your blog. Our daughter was stillborn last may at 36 weeks. I know your pain and hurt that you are going through, but am so thankful that you feel the presence of the Lord and have hope in his promises to see Andrew again in heaven. I can't wait!! I am praying for God's continued comfort in your lives!
sarah-
i found your blog through ashly tucker. i can't begin to imagine the utter heartbreak you and kevin have felt over the past month, and i have no super encouraging words to share. i just wanted to thank you for sharing your journey-it is evident that He is indeed your rock-your story and the memory of your precious son andrew will impact more than you will ever know for the kingdom…i know that is your heart's desire-thank you for being an inspiration to so many.
katie davis
ps-you're in richmond? me too=)
I just came across your blog, and I am so sorry. We too lost our son at full term on 2/14/08. I know your pain and I will be praying for you and your family. God Bless
Sarah and Kevin- God is being glorified! Thank you for being His vessel and sharing Andrews story with so many! We love you!
Robyn wilson
i love you
Loved getting to know Andrew! God bles your family.
Hey Sarah — I saw your comment on Amy's anniversary post, and wandered over here from there. I'm Joc's mom. 🙂 I read through your blog — what a sweet baby girl you have — for a couple of entries before reading Andrew's story. I'm so very sorry. I'm also grateful that Jocelyn found your blog. Have a very blessed Resurrection weekend! 🙂
Hi Sarah,
I found your blog through the Macs. Just know that I will continue to pray for you and your husband as well as your daughter as she grows up and has many questions about her brother. My son was 2 years old when his baby brother was born into the arms of Jesus. After 7 years we still miss Kyler every day, but we continue to cling to the hope we have in Christ. May the Lord's grace continue to sustain you all! Love and Blessings!!
My God, what a tragic story. I don't know how you had the strength to write this at all. I just had my baby boy 4 weeks ago and I cannot imagine experiencing your situation. A virtual hug to your entire family.
Hi I found you from Kelly's link up I am so sorry you had ot walk this difficult path. Your story shines with love for Andrew, and Jesus. I am so blessed to have read this. Our sixth child a son was born sleeping 1-24-12. Hugs sweet mommy, saying a prayer for you.
Heartbreaking, but so encouraging as well. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our own troubles. God brings us to posts like this so that I can recognize His provision and be reminded that my troubles are small. Thank you for your honesty! May God bless you.
Thanks for commenting, Kay! I'm so thankful that people still get to "know" our son, even though it's been 4 years since we had to say goodbye. I will always have a heart for those who have lost children, especially b/c he is so much a part of who I am today. 🙂
this is such a beautiful story. it brought tears to my eyes. thank you for sharing!
You are most welcome. We pray God uses Andrew's story in some way…and I love knowing people can read about him now even 4 years later.
Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully.
Thank you for taking the time to read, Kathy! I love knowing that people still read our son's story b/c he has a very special place in our family and in our hearts. 🙂
Our precious grandson, Grayson, also entered heaven before we could know him. I discovered your site through Pinterest & when I looked at it I saw your photo & read your story. I marvel at the similarities in your story to our daughter's. We too were carried by the prayers of family & friends in September of 2013. time moves us on but we do so changed. I see you have been blessed with other children & I thank the Lord there can be joy after sorrow. Blessings
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of Grayson. You are so right when you say that time moves you on, but as a changed person. You are never the same after a loss like that, but thankfully God DOES bring joy after sorrow. I will pray for you and your family as you grieve the loss of his precious life. It's so heartbreaking. Sending my love and hugs!
I came to your blog via Pinterest and read the story of Andrew. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story of faith and hope!
Thanks for your sweet comments, Kat! Glad to know people still get to "know" our son through my blog! 🙂
I stumbled upon your blog via Pinterest. You have no idea how your words in the story of Andrew just blessed me! Your faith and trust in our God astonishes me and pushes me to keep trusting despite what life throws my way. Bless you Sarah!!!
Thanks for your sweet encouragement! I can't take any credit for any of it – the Lord completely carried us through! Many blessings to you, Kim!
it is amazing the peace only God can give. Hearing your testimony of God's goodness through such a trial is evident of that. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. Still birth is one of those trials that breaks my heart whenever I hear of it. I can't fathom how hard it must be. God bless you, and may His continued strength be upon you.
Thank you so much for your sweet comment. It's hard to believe we are going on 5 years since that time…it seems like so long ago like just yesterday, all at the same time!
What a sweet little angel……you and your husband WILL see your baby again. God Bless you and your family!
Thank you for your sweet comment. We look forward to that day so much!! 🙂
You are a very strong person. I am not sure how I would have gotten through that and then to write about it so soon. You made me cry. I am happy you got to hold him and say goodbye. God Bless you.
Thank you for your kind comment, Amie Jo. We miss him so much, but God has done a healing work on our hearts.
Thank you for posting your beautiful story. I stumble upon your blog looking for anything that I can do to support my wife who experience pregnancy after loss. Our son died during labor. It is the mystery of God who keep us going every second of our life.
To anonymous who posted on June 17, 2015 at 1:13 PM: the fact that you were browsing and looking to find anything to do so you can support your wife, makes you an amazing, caring husband. The world should have more husbands like you. So sorry to hear of your loss, as well as Sarah's. May God bless you all. There will be sunshine after the rain, even though the rain seems more like a hurricane at times. Keep on keeping on, God has you!!
I was planning our family vacation on pinterest and came across your Blog on how to save money on vacation. I saw Andrew in the margin and I started to cry. I knew it was a baby loss story, as I too have lost a son, and I know how you never get over your loss. I have 4 healthy babies here on earth with me, but my son in Heaven is always on my mind. Thank you for posting this. So many mothers are afraid to speak of their losses, so thank you for your strength. You are blessed.