Since I have both my current pregnancy and our losses {those stories can be found HERE and HERE} on the brain these days, I thought it might be the right time to write about the topic on the blog. There’s really no way around it, pregnancy after a loss is HARD. Pregnancy is hard enough, but add in a history of pregnancy loss and it makes it even more challenging.
Here are some common feelings that a woman who is pregnant after a loss might experience {for better or worse}. Each person handles loss differently, so this is not an exhaustive list by any means. At the same time, these may not apply to everyone.
Feeling like you don’t fit in with other expectant mothers
A mother who has experienced a loss will likely never have the blissful pregnancy that many other expectant mothers experience. It’s just virtually impossible now. That doesn’t mean that her new pregnancy will be miserable, but it just won’t be the same as what many other women get to experience.
Don’t let these feelings cause you to distance yourself from other expectant mothers. If they haven’t experienced a loss for themselves or know anyone else who has, they can probably learn a lot from you and your experience. It could be a great opportunity for open and honest dialogue and perhaps growth on both sides.
Analyzing symptoms during the pregnancy
I have found this to be very true, especially in the first trimester. When you don’t look pregnant or feel baby moving yet, it’s easy to get wrapped up in whether or not you “feel” pregnant. It can be maddening if you don’t keep it in check.
My doctors have been incredibly understanding and supportive since our losses. I am constantly told to come in at any point if I need some extra reassurance or if I just want to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Even if your providers don’t offer up that option, don’t hesitate to ask them for it. If they aren’t supportive of your requests, maybe you should reconsider them.
Wanting to delay major preparations as long as possible
Depending on when the loss occurs and the circumstance around it {was it totally unexpected or was the mother given a fatal prognosis?}, this can be a real struggle for women who have lost a baby. Picking out baby furniture and opening baby shower gifts weeks in advance can be a little frightening because you desperately hope and pray that you won’t ever have to return them or let them sit unused again. You may still want to celebrate and enjoy that part of the process, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t some fear at the thought of it.
I had to push myself a little bit in this area. I had people who wanted to celebrate our pregnancy, but we were able to work it out so that the celebration prior to her birth was smaller and with some of my closest church friends. We opted to host larger open house after Savannah was born so we could thank our friends for their support and celebrate her safe arrival.
Nervousness before each and every doctors appointment
A woman who is pregnant after a loss will likely wonder whether today’s appointment is the one where the doctor will no longer find the baby’s heartbeat. Again, this might be more of a struggle early on when movements can’t be felt, but it probably still crosses her mind even later in the pregnancy.
Prayer helps me tremendously. When I get nervous or anxious about the appointments, I try and remember to stop immediately and pray. It’s also been helpful to repeat certain verses that deal with anxiety. There is power in quoting scripture! More than anything, prayer is a reminder that God is with me, no matter what the outcome.
Guilt for ever uttering a complaint about pregnancy
Pregnancy can be a challenge for any mother and there are certain things about it that just aren’t fun. Yes, you feel blessed to have been given the chance to carry another child after a devastating loss, but it doesn’t mean that you will enjoy every second of your next pregnancy.
I’d certainly try to avoid complaining on a regular basis {because a complaining heart is an ungrateful heart} about the not-so-fun pregnancy symptoms, but if you really need to vent, give it to God. He knows that pregnancy isn’t always comfortable. He will always listen to what is on your heart and mind and will give you the strength to stay positive. It might also help if you pick one person such as your spouse who you can vent to as well.
Wondering if you {and others} will forget about your loss once the new baby comes
A mother who has lost a baby will never forget. Even if the loss happens early in the pregnancy, it’s something you never, ever forget. Your baby died and you will carry the memory of your child {and the entire experience} with you forever. You will move forward, but you will never forget.
Unfortunately, other people may forget, especially the more time that goes by. It’s normal and try not to be too hurt by it. Hopefully, your closest friends and family will remember, but don’t be shocked if people look surprised when they are reminded that this is not your first pregnancy. They more than likely don’t mean any harm by it. It’s hard to imagine how something that rocked your entire world could be forgotten, but just remember that they didn’t live through it. Try your best not to take it personally.
Thank you for sharing. I have one 2 year old and am currently just starting my 5th pregnancy. It’s terrifying. I’m 12 weeks but not even prepared to celebrate yet. I have an appointment tomorrow and am filled with anxiety. Thanks for the reminder for prayer. We have a big sister shirt that we bought a year and a half ago that doesn’t fit my daughter anymore and are hoping we are soon able to buy a new one. Thanks again for posting.
I am so sorry for your losses, Jo! I don’t think people can understand the fear in subsequent pregnancies unless they’ve experienced them for themselves. Would you mind if I prayed for you and your appointment tomorrow? Sending love and prayers!
I needed to read this. Thank you so much for writing it. I am 20 weeks with my second pregnancy after an early loss in my first. I am thrilled that my baby is growing and healthy but I feel my joy is blunted by my previous loss. Friends are offering me clothes and baby gear but part of me doesn’t want it “just in case” something bad happens. So many people are happy for us and I feel blessed to have so much love and support.
I’m so very sorry for your loss! I think what you are feeling is totally normal after a loss. It’s such a hard balance of wanting to celebrate, but still being anxious. I’m so glad to hear that you have a lot of love and support. I’ll definitely be praying for you!!
I needed this! We are 6 weeks pregnant with our second our first was stillborn at 39 weeks. I feel like I’m just sitting around waiting to lose this one too. It’s an awful feeling but it helps knowing God is in control and it doesn’t depend on me. I can just pray and give it to God!
It sounds like we have similar stories, Erin. It is so hard and my heart goes out to you! One thing that helped me was memorizing a specific bible verse that I could recite to myself when I got anxious. I will pray for you and baby! Giving it to God may not be easy, but it’s the best thing! Much love to you! –Sarah
I just recent lost my first pregnancy – 2 weeks ago. It was a missed miscarriage. I thought I was at the twelve week mark – and so excited to share the news with everyone. My first ultrasound showed that our baby had passed around the right week mark and had no heart beat. We weren’t trying to conceive – but we were filled with such joy and anticipation. I am still going through the aftermath of the loss – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I already felt so attached to the little one growing inside me. It was a devastating blow to hear those words. I am terrified to try again – but now know more than ever that a family with my amazing, loving and supportive husband is what I want. Thank you for your post. It gives me hope for the future, and lets me know I am not alone (and will not be alone when I am pregnant again).
I’m so sorry for your loss, Krista! It is so hard and I wish I could make it easier for you. I will be praying for you as you grieve and hope for the future. Sending you my hugs and prayers! –Sarah