I hate to admit this, but my time with the Lord has been few and far between this past week. With Kevin’s family in town and our “close quarters,” it was very difficult to try and get some time alone to spend with the Lord. I hate that. I hate that I enjoyed the busyness of the week, and was content to let the days go by without sitting at Jesus’ feet.
This is a struggle I’ve been dealing with for a while – when I’m surrounded by people, it’s difficult for me to actually remove myself from the situation and retreat to a quiet place and just be with him. Even as a child, I would always leave the door open when I would use the restroom (sorry if that’s TMI, but I’m being honest!). I hated the thought of missing out on some important conversation.
This concept has crept into my spiritual life and I absolutely need to work on it. Especially as an introvert, I need that time with just me and the Lord to refuel. With the holidays coming up, I’ll be around lots of family so it will be a good time to practice.
I took some time this evening to journal since I’ve been feeling a little BLAH spiritually. Notice how my spiritual life is directly impacted with the amount of time I’ve spent in the Word. Funny how that works, huh?
One of the many things I’m still struggling with is why Andrew’s death was a part of God’s plan. I don’t even like typing it much less actually admitting it.
It was God’s plan for Andrew to die before he was even born.
There, I’ve said it.
At this point, I can’t say that I totally understand it though.
I honestly don’t know why God allowed me to get pregnant in the first place…much less allow me to get so far only to have it end this way. How unfair is THAT??
But, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I got to carry my precious son for 9 whole months. I got to feel his kicks and squirms. I had the privilege of praying for him and giving him life inside my womb. What an honor that was. And how much fun it will be when we are reunited in heaven!!
I think part of the reason why I find myself wanting to know why Andrew’s death was part of God’s plan is so I can somehow try and make sure it doesn’t happen again – like a defense mechanism or something.
For instance, if God allowed this to happen so that I would grow closer to him, then I can work really hard to get close to God and then he won’t allow any of my other babies to die, right??? If God allowed this to happen so that Kevin and my marriage would be strengthened, then I better work really hard to keep our marriage strong, or else God might allow me to go through another storm like this, right???
This is really sick thinking….isn’t it?? Who am I to think I deserve an explanation from the God of the universe…especially with such impure motives focused on manipulating God and his plan for me??
Clearly, losing Andrew has shaken me a little. It’s forced me to reevaluate who God is and who I believe him to be. I’m fearful at times, but I recognize that fear is not of God.
I’m fearful that I won’t ever experience the joy of mothering a child here on earth. I’m fearful of future heartache and future losses. I’m fearful that I might do something to mess up God’s desire to bless me.
The good news is that God is sovereign. And while I’m still learning a lot about that and what it actually means in my life, I know that he is in control.
He is God and I’m not.
I’m so thankful for that.
I took a sneak peak at my devotionals for this upcoming week and guess what the theme is for the week? Sovereignty of God – pretty cool, huh? I’m looking forward to learning more. Should be a good week.