I hate to admit this, but my time with the Lord has been few and far between this past week. With Kevin’s family in town and our “close quarters,” it was very difficult to try and get some time alone to spend with the Lord. I hate that. I hate that I enjoyed the busyness of the week, and was content to let the days go by without sitting at Jesus’ feet.
This is a struggle I’ve been dealing with for a while – when I’m surrounded by people, it’s difficult for me to actually remove myself from the situation and retreat to a quiet place and just be with him. Even as a child, I would always leave the door open when I would use the restroom (sorry if that’s TMI, but I’m being honest!). I hated the thought of missing out on some important conversation.
This concept has crept into my spiritual life and I absolutely need to work on it. Especially as an introvert, I need that time with just me and the Lord to refuel. With the holidays coming up, I’ll be around lots of family so it will be a good time to practice.
ANYWAY…..
I took some time this evening to journal since I’ve been feeling a little BLAH spiritually. Notice how my spiritual life is directly impacted with the amount of time I’ve spent in the Word. Funny how that works, huh?
One of the many things I’m still struggling with is why Andrew’s death was a part of God’s plan. I don’t even like typing it much less actually admitting it.
It was God’s plan for Andrew to die before he was even born.
There, I’ve said it.
At this point, I can’t say that I totally understand it though.
I honestly don’t know why God allowed me to get pregnant in the first place…much less allow me to get so far only to have it end this way. How unfair is THAT??
But, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I got to carry my precious son for 9 whole months. I got to feel his kicks and squirms. I had the privilege of praying for him and giving him life inside my womb. What an honor that was. And how much fun it will be when we are reunited in heaven!!
I think part of the reason why I find myself wanting to know why Andrew’s death was part of God’s plan is so I can somehow try and make sure it doesn’t happen again – like a defense mechanism or something.
For instance, if God allowed this to happen so that I would grow closer to him, then I can work really hard to get close to God and then he won’t allow any of my other babies to die, right??? If God allowed this to happen so that Kevin and my marriage would be strengthened, then I better work really hard to keep our marriage strong, or else God might allow me to go through another storm like this, right???
This is really sick thinking….isn’t it?? Who am I to think I deserve an explanation from the God of the universe…especially with such impure motives focused on manipulating God and his plan for me??
Clearly, losing Andrew has shaken me a little. It’s forced me to reevaluate who God is and who I believe him to be. I’m fearful at times, but I recognize that fear is not of God.
I’m fearful that I won’t ever experience the joy of mothering a child here on earth. I’m fearful of future heartache and future losses. I’m fearful that I might do something to mess up God’s desire to bless me.
The good news is that God is sovereign. And while I’m still learning a lot about that and what it actually means in my life, I know that he is in control.
He is God and I’m not.
I’m so thankful for that.
I took a sneak peak at my devotionals for this upcoming week and guess what the theme is for the week? Sovereignty of God – pretty cool, huh? I’m looking forward to learning more. Should be a good week.
He is God and I am not… what a simple, but profoundly important truth to remember. Thank you for reminding me of this today 🙂 Praying for you, Sarah!
It's not sick thinking at all. When something like losing your son rocks your world so much, you are allowed any thoughts you like. It's only human (and woman-like!) to analyze everything. I'll share a crazy thought I've had many many times…..
God only gives us what we can handle, right? Right. So, sometimes I cringe when people tell me I'm doing so well or I'm so strong. I think to myself, "oh great, God things I'm strong, what is He going to give me now?"
See, you're not the only over-thinker! I'm praying for you often. Remember, God would not give you the strong desire to be a mother to a child of this world if He wasn't planning on giving you that. That desire is of Him.
Have you visited my friend Sarah's blog? She hasn't lost a baby, but it took them 3 years to conceive and now she is pregnant at 15 weeks. She is a Godly woman and was/is very open on her blog. She's posted lots of thoughts and scripture. You might like to read some of her old posts some day.
"talk" to ya soon,
Ashly
wow- I totally forgot to give you her blog link!
http://adayinthelifeofthejeffersons.blogspot.com/
Your strength and passion for God brings tears to my eyes. Your sure foundation is evidenced in your openenss before our Father. Thank you for the example you are- you are a "faith giant" in my eyes. Stay strong!
thankyou,
i think that that is all that i can say
thankyou for writing this
praying for you and your baby
I lost my first, my daughter. I have always wanted to be a mother more than anything, so I tried to conceive again. It has been 11 years since I gave birth to my daughter and nothing, I never took birth control of any kind and never stopped trying. I finally accepted the fact that God didn't want me to be a mother, that I must have done something wrong with her and didn't deserve to be a mother. I felt like I was less than a woman and like a failure as a mother. I learned how to let go and let God take control, I learned acceptance and to be humble. my daughter would have been 11 in january, I learned last month that I was 8 weeks pregnant, now 12, every week is a struggle, I fear I will do something wrong but now I have learned a new lesson, God's will. every thing happens in His time, never loose hope.