My thoughts are all over the place these days, so I must warn you that this post may be all over the place. I’ve been a little emotional today. I don’t really know why, although I can speculate a little. Part of me thinks it’s because we’re coming up on the 9th month without our Andrew. For some reason, it seems sort of like a big milestone to me – up there with 6 months and then of course the year mark. In a few weeks, Andrew will have been gone for as long as we “had” him, if that makes sense. I guess it’s on my mind just how little time we had with our firstborn son.
I’m sure the fact that we’re in the “waiting” stage of my cycle is weighing on me too. I just have this feeling like I’m not pregnant. I’ve done pretty well this month not overanalyzing every little twinge or cramp or whatever else I may be feeling. I almost want to assume I’m not pregnant, just so I’m prepared if that’s the case.
Today at work, I also felt a little “off.” I was super tired – it was a busy weekend and the past 2 nights have been busy too – and just not feeling it today. I had this thought during the morning today that I sort of pondered off and on all day – I’m living my worst nightmare. It hit me that the road we’re walking is pretty much the worst case scenario for someone like me, a girl who has wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother. Sure, I wanted to do well in school and succeed at whatever career field I ended up in. But, ultimately, I always knew I was a family girl. I always wanted to get married young and have a family.
Well, don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed beyond measure, so I don’t mean to sound like I’m having a pity party! And, after all, I am a wife and mother, right? I’m married to a my best friend and I’m mom to a beautiful little boy in heaven and I’m so thankful for those things, but the road we are walking still sometimes feels so surreal. The unfathomable has happened – we lost our one and only child and now we are dealing again with infertility. When will my nightmare end?
I probably shouldn’t even use the word nightmare, especially with folks around the world dealing with earthquakes and starvation and far worse than I can imagine at this point in my life. The word sounds so dramatic, but yet that’s sometimes what it all feels like. I know my life could be worse, but I also don’t want to minimize the wounds that I still have and the scars that will be forever on my heart until I see my son again in heaven. And I don’t want to minimize how difficult infertility is. For anyone reading who is just now experiencing loss and/or infertility, I feel your pain. It’s deep, and it hurts, badly.
When you love hard, it’s risky. But, should we avoid loving deeply to protect our hearts and miss out on the great joy?! No way! That’s part of why not having Andrew with us is so difficult. That little boy has a piece of my heart. He had it the moment I saw that little heartbeat at 6 weeks! The longer I carried him, the more in love with him I was. Now that he’s gone, part of my heart is gone too. And while God is graciously healing my heart, I don’t think it will ever be the same on this side of heaven. Now that I’m a mother, I’m a different woman, and I wouldn’t trade any of the heartache for those 9 beautiful months with our son.
Another thing that I have been thinking about quite a bit lately….my longing for heaven. I find myself more and more “ready” for heaven. I long for it so much more now than before we lost Andrew. I used to hold onto my earthly dreams a little too tightly. I remember thinking, “Oh, I can’t wait for Jesus to come back and take us all to heaven, but I really wish I could have a baby first.” Well, since Andrew has a piece of my heart, part of my heart is in heaven now, and I long for heaven in a much deeper way now.
I’ll close with a little excerpt from my devotional from today, which was about faith.
“Sometimes it seems as if people think they feel they must prove to God that they have enough faith and no doubt – that God not only can but will heal them – in order for God to grant their request for healing. Does God really set up those kinds of hoops for us to jump through? And in terms of faith, how much is enough? How do you measure it? And how to you get the mountain-moving, mulberry tree-uprooting, demon-removing kind? Rather than giving the disciples a formula for increasing their faith, Jesus told them that it isn’t the amount of faith that matters but the object of faith……But if the source and object of your faith is Almighty God, even if it is weak, mustard-seed variety, your faith will be enough for whatever God allows into your life.”
Sometimes I’ve felt guilty throughout this journey of grief and infertility – like I should be having more faith than I do. I’m so thankful that God doesn’t ask us to have faith of a certain size, but just asks us to have faith in him.