So we’re back in Richmond after a relaxing time at Deep Creek Lake! We had a great time of rest and relaxation, but it’s also nice to be back at home. It was so nice to get away, but I know that I can’t escape my new reality forever, so I was sort of anxious to just get back home and face it after some time away. Here are a couple of pictures from our time away.
When we got back home, I went out back to check on the flowers. I was amazed when I saw that someone had planted another hydrangea out back and had added plant markers. Seeing the markers made me cry because they said “In honor of Andrew Ryan.” It means the world to me that our friends would think of us and honor Andrew in that way. It motivates me even more to get back there and get to work on that special area of our yard. Kevin and I were also discussing planting a tree in Andrew’s memory as well. We’ll be very busy this fall!
Kevin went back to work today. One of my good friends called and invited me out for lunch, so it was nice to get out. It was actually the first time I’ve driven myself somewhere in over 2 weeks – it was sort of surreal. It’s been over 2 weeks since we delivered Andrew and 2 weeks ago exactly since his memorial service, and it’s still hard. This past week was my first week working through my new devotional book and the title of the week 1 was “Brokenhearted.” This is absolutely how I have felt lately, but the verses this week have been awesome. Here is one of my favorites.
Psalm 31:10, 14-15
“I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, “You are my God!” My future is in your hands.”
Now that I’m back home, I have to start getting used to my new reality as I continue to grieve and pick up the pieces of my life. That verse may sound super dramatic to some of you and I hope it doesn’t make some of you think that I’m on the verge of death. I’m not – God has been good through all this, but there have been times when the pain is so bad that this verse expresses my feelings perfectly. The part that I try to dwell on though is the second part that talks about trusting God with my future.
If I’m totally honest though, I’m scared about my future. I’m scared that I won’t be able to remember what Andrew looked like and what it felt like to hold him and carry him for 9 months. I’m scared that I won’t be able to get pregnant again or that it will take a really long time to conceive again. I’m scared that I won’t be able to find a job. Just when I thought I had a small glimpse of what my future as Andrew’s mother would look like, we found out his heart was no longer beating. We were so close, I could taste motherhood! In the midst of the uncertainties of life, God is still faithful. I know he has good plans for Kevin and I. I have no clue what those plans will look like, but I have to remember that there is hope. As Lamentations 3: 21-22 says, “Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction.”
When I remember the sufficiency and eternity of God’s love, I can hope in the midst of the fears I have. God has been faithful to me – he paid the ultimate price for my salvation! He’s blessed me with a loving husband! He blessed me with our beautiful Andrew! He’s blessed me with a wonderful family and loving friends! I could go on and on! I’m so thankful that there is hope beyond the pain and hurt of this world!
The hydrangea and the marker is beautiful! What a special treasure.
Adjusting to the new normal is hard… it takes a long time, but I know that our gracious God will give you just enough strength for each moment; and when you feel like your strength is gone, His power is made perfect in weakness.
I also wanted to assure you, Sarah, that you will never forget… you will never forget what Andrew looks like, you won't forget what it was like to feel him kick while he was in your womb, you won't forget what it was like to kiss his little nose. Almost 11 months later, those memories are still so solidly etched in my mind… they are a gift. I remember the fear of forgetting; but I know that you will remember.
Praying for you as you continue to go back to "business as usual" when everything feels anything BUT usual…
~ Stacy