I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that our firstborn would have been 6 years old on Friday. As I mentioned in the video that I posted on my Facebook page, we celebrated Andrew’s birthday the day before, since we had some plans with family who were in town on his actual birthday.
Our day was really nice. We usually keep things simple and quiet, which is good for me. The past couple of years, our day has looked fairly similar.
We started the off around 11:00am at the cemetery. We left some fresh flowers and released some balloons. Each of us released a balloon, so there were a total of 5. The kids balloons were very true to themselves – Savannah released a princess balloon and Brady released a Spiderman balloon. We picked out Elmo for Davis because it’s only a matter of time before he loves Elmo. 🙂
The kids ran around for a bit and then we hopped in the car to grab some lunch at Red Robin. We really enjoy that restaurant because it’s so kid friendly.
We came home and had some birthday cake for dessert before nap time began. My family arrived to town later in the day, so we spent the evening with them.
Our day was simple, but it was some good family time. I love doing these special things together as a family. The kids don’t understand everything about having sibling in heaven, but I hope that someday it will make more sense and that it makes heaven more real to them. They still think that heaven is the cemetery itself, so I’m hoping that will click at some point. 🙂
As for where I am emotionally, I can honestly say that I’m doing really well.
Do I still think about Andrew every day? Most definitely.
Do I miss him and wonder “what if?” things had turned out differently? Absolutely.
Does my heart ache a little bit when I think about everything I’m missing with him? Yes, indeed.
All of those statements are true, but I can also say that when I think about Andrew, most of the time I smile. When I see little 6 year old boys, I think of him and it helps me imagine how tall he might have been at that age or what color his hair might have been.
I don’t let my mind go too far into the “what ifs” though because I will never know. I am not privy to those answers. I also know that God foreknew that I would be raising the three beautiful children that I do have. I can’t imagine not having them either, so I don’t even let myself go too far down that path.
I’m raising the ones he allowed me to keep, and I look forward to heaven all the more because I know I will see our Andrew and meet our Charlie.
The missing will probably never go away, but I believe it’s a healthy missing. When you are a mother, part of your DNA lives outside of your body, so I think it’s only natural to feel like you are missing a part of yourself when your child is gone.
But, I’m thankful that God has allowed us to move forward and to miss him in a way that points us to what is to come in eternity {rather than what we are lacking here}…a time where there will be no more tears, no more death, and no more pain. I love so many things about my life, but I look forward to heaven!
We are thankful to those of you who left sweet messages and have been praying for us. It means so much to us and we are grateful.
