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Heavy Heart

December 20, 2009 by Sarah

Like many of you who may live on the east coast, we were hit with quite a bit of snow on Friday and Saturday. We didn’t have anywhere we had to go, so Kev and I enjoyed our time being snowed in. We did manage to get out yesterday evening in the indestructable Toyota 4×4.

One thing I was determined to do was to write Andrew’s name in the freshly-fallen snow. I copied the idea from some other angel baby mommies. I hope y’all don’t mind me copying!!

This morning was tough. Church was cancelled and when I hopped in the shower, my chest started to get really heavy. I knew what was coming, as this normally happens when I’m about to start sobbing. When I got out, I hopped on the bed and journaled a little bit and spent a little time in the word. Here’s my journal entry from this morning.

Lord, I’m hurting right now. My heart is so heavy and I miss Andrew so much that it actually hurts. It’s not a sharp pain but more of a deep, dull heartache that doesn’t ever seem to go away. Today the heartache is worse that normal though. I’ve felt the emotions build as I open Christmas card after Christmas card of friends and their precious babies. These babies are precious, but so is mine and for some reason you chose to take him home with you. Why, Lord? Why would you choose OUR son? All we have left are a few pictures and our memories while those other families get to build a lifetime of memories with their children. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and go back. The memories seem so far off – it seems like years ago that we first laid eyes on our sweet boy. What does he look like now, Lord? Does he look like his earthly daddy? Lord, hold me in your arms right now and comfort my aching heart like only you can. I need you now more than ever. This is harder than I ever imagined.

One thing I want to clarify right away is that I don’t mean for that journal entry to sound like we don’t appreciate receiving picture Christmas cards from our friends and family. In fact, I’d probably be a little hurt if we were left off your lists this year just because we lost our son. Receiving your cards doesn’t make the pain worse, it just brings the pain to the surface, which is actually a good thing. If we don’t deal with the pain, it will eat us up inside. And, just so you know, we actually plan to send our very own picture Christmas card – I just haven’t managed to get them in the mail yet 🙂 I plan to post it here as well since we can’t possibly send it to everyone.

I re-read some of the verses that our pastor shared with us at Andrew’s memorial service. These verses offered us so much hope in the midst of our heartache.

Genesis 41:50-52 (NIV)
Before the years of famine came, two sons were born to Joseph by Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On. Joseph names his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.”

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Filed Under: Faith, Family, Grief & Pregnancy Loss, Grief Journal Tagged With: Andrew

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Comments

  1. Meg says

    December 22, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    I love Andrew's name written in the snow. That has to be one of the most beautiful things I've seen. Merry Christmas!

Meet Sarah

Hey, I'm Sarah (a.k.a. The Teacher's Wife)! Wife to a history teacher and mom of 5 kids (2 in heaven). I'm a coffee addict, budget nerd, who's obsessed with good chips and salsa. I love finding ways to organize & manage my home and life...all on a budget! I'm thrilled you stopped by and I hope you'll find something inspiring! Read More…

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