The Teacher's Wife

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Have to Hope

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If you or someone you know has struggled with infertility, they will most likely tell you that it’s an emotional roller coaster. The beginning of the month is filled with hope for a possible baby and then the last part of the month is filled with the dreaded wait. Those 2 weeks of every month seem like DECADES! Will it come? Or not? No matter how busy I am, the time just always creeps by. And then the day comes when it’s time to take a pregnancy test – this could either be a very happy day or a very depressing day. Polar opposite emotions depending on whether it’s a + or -. Oh the power those stupid home pregnancy tests can have on ones emotions. And pile on grief over the loss of your son, it makes for an emotionally trying time.

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, Kevin and I are trying to conceive again and the roller coaster of emotions has begun again. We were told to wait 3-4 months to begin trying, but haven’t done anything to prevent a pregnancy since we lost Andrew. There’s just no way we could try to prevent something that we want so badly. Since I was able to deliver him vaginally and healed well, things were fine from a medical standpoint.

Back in November, I went ahead and called my fertility doctor. After only a month of trying on our own, I just couldn’t wait any longer. I just felt like we needed some support and guidance and am so grateful that my doctor told me to come right in for a consult. I love my fertility doctor so much – he was so great after we lost Andrew and continues to offer support and understanding now even months later.

After my exam, we sat down to come up with a “plan.” He recommended we try clomid/progesterone for 2 cycles, but did mention maybe re-doing some other tests if we aren’t successful after 2 cycles. I walked out of that appointment so empowered! I felt really good that we had a strategy and I had some medical guidance. I had actually forgotten that I had even taken progesterone when we conceived Andrew. I had a small luteal phase defect and the progesterone helps take care of that pretty easily. That’s probably gibberish to many of you – if any of you have questions, just shoot me an email. I’m happy to answer questions. 🙂

We’d really appreciate your prayers during this time. Our first round wasn’t successful, and I am pretty bummed. But, the Lord has spoken to me recently through some scriptures and other means and I’m encouraged. Hope is such an interesting thing. I have to hope. I don’t know if it’s just my personality or it’s the Holy Spirit in me, but I can’t not hope. Although I definitely have some pessimistic moments, I am thankful that the Lord continues to give me hope in the midst of my grief and my desire to conceive again.

I continue to pray for the Lord’s perfect timing in all this. I am so grateful for medical doctors and for the plan that we have, but the Lord is the great physician. He has a plan for our family, and I have to believe and trust in that promise. A month or so ago, I was reading in Proverbs 16:1 which says, “To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue.” There is a footnote in my Bible that answers a lot of the questions I had when thinking about fertility plans.

“From the Lord comes the reply of the tongue” means that the final outcome of the plans we make is in God’s hands. If this is so, why make plans? In doing God’s will, there must be partnership between our efforts and God’s control. He wants us to use our minds, to seek the advice of others, and to plan. Nevertheless, the results are up to him Planning, then helps us act God’s way. As you live for him, ask for guidance as you plan, and then act on your plan as you trust in him.

So this is where Kevin and I find ourselves. We have a plan, but we are trusting the Lord with the results.


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Comments

  1. Mary Ellen says

    I will begin praying for you and your husband.I pray that this is a short TTC journey for you. My husband and are right were you are. We have decided to start ttc again and are going back to our RE in Jan. We have a wonderful RE and I felt like you did about needing the extra support. So all that you were saying just sounded like everyday talk to me 🙂 I feel like I could right a book about luteal phases, charting and O-triggering LOL.
    I hope this Christmas morning will be filled with love and comfort.

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