I’ve never been real into the ringing in of the new year. Sure, it’s nice to spend time with friends and family, but the event itself has never been all that big of a deal to me.
This year, I’ve actually been looking forward to the new year. Although 2009 was filled with so much joy over my pregnancy with Andrew, the ending was not what we had prepared for. In many ways, it’s truly was a bittersweet year for us. We could not have been more excited for our first child. I thoroughly enjoyed every second of my pregnancy, and despite knowing that Andrew’s 1 kidney was not functioning properly, it was relatively worry-free. I feel so blessed to have experienced that.
I actually looked forward to doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds where I could see my wiggle worm in action. I loved hearing about his weight gain. I love hearing those beautiful heartbeats.
I loved painting his nursery and creating the perfect room for our first boy! I loved purchasing the bedding and washing all of his clothes in Dreft just days before we lost him. I loved it all! I’m so grateful that the Lord let me experience all that with Andrew, our firstborn.
As I’ve heard from so many moms, every pregnancy is different, and I’m positive that will be true for us when we have another baby. I can imagine future pregnancies will never be worry-free again. But, Andrew’s short life has changed me to the core.
I’m now a mother. I’m now far more focussed on eternal things than I ever have been. I’m now able to relate to others who have experienced deep, deep loss. I’m now more grateful than ever for the immeasurable love of Christ.
Although I should be ringing in 2010 with a 5 month old in my arms, I’m not. It makes me sad. But, I’m so thankful to have laid eyes on my beautiful son. He was worth all the tears and sadness as well as all the joy and hope. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. All my prayers for his salvation have been answered – how could I not be grateful for that?
Thank you, Lord, for taking care of my precious little boy in heaven. Thank you for holding him in your perfect arms. I miss him so much, but am so thankful that you have him in the most perfect place. Amen.
