Better late than never, right? I debated back and forth about including Andrew on our Christmas card this year, but just couldn’t NOT include him. He is a part of our lives now, so I wanted to share him on our card this year.
I hope that you all had a very Merry Christmas!
Christmas turned out to be harder than I ever imagined. I did pretty good most of the weeks leading up to Christmas, but the week prior was pretty rough. I was just downright bummed about not having Andrew with us this Christmas.
My family started arriving the Sunday before Christmas. My dad has been working on putting up beadboard all week (with a break for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day), so he wanted to get started on the project as soon as possible. Although my house is a total mess right now, I’m really glad we did the project. It gave me something to get excited about (it looks great so far even without paint on it yet) and it will give me a project to work on when everything settles back down after New Year. It’ll probably take me a while to caulk everything and paint it. I’ve been taking some pictures along the way and will definitely post once the job is finished.
Christmas Eve was nice, but I got pretty emotional at church. It really started with one of the slides that was shown before one of the songs – a baby’s hand on top of a mother’s. We have a picture of Andrew’s beautiful hands and it reminded me so much of that picture. It had been a while since I had literally sobbed, so when I got home I just let loose. It felt good to get some of the emotions out. Things finally settled down later that night.
Christmas Day was actually pretty good. I enjoyed the day with my family at my grandmother’s house. We opened a few presents and enjoyed relaxing for the rest of the day. Kevin and I decided against exchanging gifts this year. We used some of the money we got to pay for our new TV, and we have had some other expenses come up, so we didn’t feel the need to spend more money. My heart has been focussed on Christ’s birth this season and not presents, so it was totally fine with me.
Later that evening was a little rough though. I love my family dearly, but we had some tough conversations. They are concerned about me and the way that I have been handling things. I felt very betrayed and very hurt, because I have felt like I’ve handled things pretty darn well actually. I know they meant well, but it still hurt.
I’m really thankful that we’ve made it through Christmas. God was so gracious to us this year. As a mother, I have looked upon Christ’s birth with an entirely new perspective. How difficult it must have been for God to send his one and ONLY son to die for the sins of the world!! The reality of that sacrifice has hit me in a new way this year, and I’m thankful to have that new perspective.
I’m actually really looking forward to the New Year coming up. Although 2009 was a wonderful year in many ways, I’m definitely ready for it to end. It started out so full of promise, and ended so differently than we had hoped. We are praying hard that the Lord would bless us again with another child in 2010. I am clinging to the Lord to get me through day by day as we wait on his timing.
Sarah, I am so glad you included Andrew in your Christmas card! As a mother to 3 little ones with the Father, I know what it is like to make sure they are included in the family! Yesterday was 21 years since our Amanda was with us. You will never forget nor should you! Everyone has to deal with this loss in the way they need to deal with it. Love you and praying for you!
The Christmas card is beautiful. Sorry you had some rough conversations….you need to process Andrew's loss in your way in your time. You have faith and trust in a Savior and I know that He is walking you through this journey at the right "pace". Many prayers for you.
Kristin
Hi Sarah, just found you recently through posts on Frugal by Choice website. I am currently going through your posts by timeline and saw this one. I have a close friend who lost her 3 month old baby a few years ago.. I was close to that angel as she asked me to help her on her first day alone with her two babies (she has a o child who was 2 at the time). I have seen through my friend the extreme sadness, loss and pain that this causes, which is complicated by well meaning but hurtful comments by friends and family. She has chosen to remain close to only certain people who understand that she needs to proceed in whatever way she can, even if they don't agree. I am sad for the loss of my friend who will never be the same, but feel privileged to be one of her friends to whom she can say anything. We talk about all of the difficult stuff, and she says it helps. I told her early on that I didn't want to make her pain worse, but really, it's always there and she feels better that someone will listen to things others don't want to hear. When our former coworkers ask about her, I tell them that she is brave and doing as well as anyone could do in the circumstances, but it makes me sad that they kind of tune out and think she's fine now that she had another baby. I'm a school psychologist, and we always tell children during our crisis interventions that there's no right or wrong way to grieve. I just wish adults would understand this and let it happen.
Thanks so much for your kind comment. Your friend is lucky to have you in her life – it can be hard to find people with whom you can share openly and who will not pass judgement on the way you are processing your grief. It sounds like you have been a huge encouragement to her! Please send my condolences to your friend and point her to my blog's "Grief journal" tab if she ever feels alone in her grief. Much love to you!