I miss my little boy so much. I’ve been doing pretty well ever since we rang in 2010, but I’m having a “moment” today. I’m not depressed, but I still miss my little boy more than ever.
Just the other day, I was trying to recall what it felt like to hold him. I hate to say it, but I feel like those memories of what he felt like are disappearing. I will never forget what he looked like, but I’m finding it harder and harder to remember what he felt like. He was a good size little man, and I wish I could remember in more detail how those 8 beautiful pounds felt like in my arms. I wish I could remember exactly how “weighty” he really was.
Sometimes I regret not keeping him for longer before handing him over to the hospital staff. It was all such a shock to us, we had no clue what we were doing. We had no time to prepare what we wanted our only moments with our son to be like, and now looking back, I sort of feel robbed. Should we have bathed him and dressed him ourselves rather than letting the funeral home do it? Should we have looked at him 1 more time before he was buried? Should we have opened the memorial service up to our friends and church family?
This weekend was pretty busy. We spent a lot of time with friends and enjoyed being with them, but I’m honestly drained. Have I mentioned that grief is draining? Many of our friends have children, so of course, being with them means being with their children. I love their children so much, but honestly, it can be draining after a while. I can’t help but think about what Andrew would be doing during those times with our friends. I wish our friends could have held our son.
As Kevin and I continue to hope and pray for more children, I have a hard time even fathoming what it would be like for the Lord to allow us to bring home a child. Sometimes I feel like that dream is way to good to actually be true for me. I know that God is good – he’s already offered me eternal salvation. That is enough. He doesn’t have to bless us with another child to bring home.
People tell me all the time, “Sarah, I know you’ll get pregnant again. It’s just a matter of time.”
Well, that may be true. I hope and pray that it is. But, I can’t even describe how difficult it is to wait. I don’t think anyone can truly understand it until you’ve been there.
I understand and am so sorry. Sending you hugs and comfort.
PLEASE don't look back with regret. Your baby wouldn't want that for you. You did the VERY BEST you could that day, the day that you met him, and I personally am in awe of you for getting through it. You can't say, I should have this or that, you did the BEST you could at the time. Yes, grief is very very draining, and one only has so much energy to expend in a period of time. I will pray harder for peace for you. PEACE be with you. May He hold you in the palm of his hand and give you rest from that hole that is left in your heart, and peace, and, if at all possible, another baby.
I know how hard the waiting is, Sarah. Jenny and I constantly keep you and Kevin in our prayers. We watched "Facing the Giants" again last night (what an AWESOME movie!)… I always think of you and Kevin when I see it. NOTHING is impossible with our God. In His perfect timing, you and Kevin will get to experience the joys of parenthood. I can tell you all have grown closer together – and closer to God – over the past 5+ months. God knows the desires of your heart, and I know that He will not disappoint you.