A friend and I were chatting today about some of the stresses in our lives and I told her I was thinking about going to see a counselor. I’ve never been to a counselor before, so I’m not really even sure what all that entails, but I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and really need to pray about it too.
While I really do think I’m doing pretty well overall, I find myself reliving the trauma of loosing Andrew in my mind at random times and I’m not sure if that’s normal. I don’t necessarily think about it all the time, but at random times in the day, I find my thoughts wandering back to August 5th and basically reliving everything over again in my mind…the shock, the disbelief, the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, and utter devastation. It was tough enough going through it the first time and then dealing with the grief that comes with such a loss, and it’s emotionally draining to be reliving it in your mind at random moments.
I don’t think I’m clinically depressed, but I’m wondering if this could be related to post-traumatic stress? I don’t even really know what that is, but it sounds good to me?? Ha! 🙂 And it certainly doesn’t help that it’s taking longer for us to conceive than I’d like. Not only do I relive the loss of Andrew in my mind at random times, I definitely relive things each month we find out that we’re not pregnant again. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s almost like a reminder of Andrew’s death each and every month, because in reality, I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about conceiving for a second time if I had my 7 month old baby with me. I shouldn’t be thinking about clomid or progesterone right now, but that’s where I find myself. In many ways, I feel like this is the perfect storm. Dealing with infertility and a loss at the same time is incredibly difficult and perhaps I could use some outside perspective.
Our support group has been wonderful for Kevin and I, but I do plan to look into a counselor that I might meet with one-on-one. We’ll see what happens with that. I want to make sure I’m healing well and making progress in this grief journey (which I think I am). My heart will never be totally healed on this side of heaven, but I do want to make sure I’m moving forward in a healthy way. It’s hard to even know because I really have no idea if what I’m going through is normal or not. That’s where I think a professional might be helpful.
Grief really is emotionally draining. I feel like I’m a lot more tired these days and while working full time and training for the 10k are probably part of that, I think a lot of it is just the energy that I expel just to cope with life after loosing Andrew (have I mentioned lately that I miss that cute boy??!!). Even the simplest of tasks are far more draining these days. I’ve yet to wear anything but waterproof mascara on Sundays at church b/c I know I’m almost sure to tear up. And it’s still hard to be around pregnant women or women with young children. It’s not tremendously difficult all the time, but just draining.
Grief is hard work, and I’m so thankful that the Lord is walking this road with me. He’s shown me so much grace and mercy through it all. And just knowing that he understands is huge for me. At support group last month, someone mentioned how awesome the Trinity was – how God the Father understands our grief (after all, he lost his one and only son) and Jesus certainly understands what it means to suffer. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it reassures me that God is walking this road with me, with complete love and understanding.
You know Sarah I think seeing a counselor is a great idea. After we lost our first to babies, early in the pregancies, I did not seek counseling but when we lost Grace I knew that my heart, mind and body needed to talk to a professional about some of the thoughts that were scaring me.
At first, I went to a counselor that I just found in the business pages. I didnt realize that not all counselors were created equally. After the 2nd session I realized that our spiritural beliefs did not match up and I needed to seek a counselor that gave me biblically based counseling. I also wanted someone that believed, like I do, that I will one day be reunited with my children!
So I went to my pastor, a step I should have thought to do first, and he directed me to a gourp of counselors that have a Christian based practice. This was the best decision that I made. I was able to share those thoughts that were keeping me up and night, and also the guilt I was feeling. She was able to help me travel this road of grief in a way that also allowed me to deal with the trama, and live my life in a way of love and rememberance but not to allow Satan to steal my hope of a future with my children.
I went back to her after James was born because I felt those feeling of guilt over his Cerebral Palsy coming back. I think it is so important to be able to share those feelings and thoughts that are replaying in our minds. I found that just saying a lot of them out loud released me from the power they were holding on me. As Christian we know our hope lies with Christ but Satan can use this tremendous grief to blind. Having a professional really made a difference in my recovery.
Ok I didnt mean to write a book but I wanted tos hare with you my experience.
Sarah,
I think going to see a counselor is a great idea. Before everything with Isaac, I had never been to one either. And was a hard thing for me to admit to myself that I needed some additional help in processing everything. I actually started seeing her in July of 2008, before Isaac was born that October. It was a great decision. To find a caring, compassionate counselor who was also a Christian woman was awesome. To be able to sit and share everything… to just lay it all out… even the REALLY ugly stuff… was so good.
And I definitely think you could be on to something with your mention of PTSD. I absolutely think that's possible, and I know it is something my counselor and I talked a lot about. She never diagnosed me with PTSD per se, but it was very clear through our time together that I exhibited many of those symptoms. People don't often associate PTSD with the sort of grief of losing a child; but it's very real, and may be more common than people think.
I will be praying for your decision about this, and hope that if you do decide to go see someone, that it is as helpful for you as it was for me.
~ Stacy
Thanks for the advice ladies! I'm glad to hear that you found it helpful!
Sarah I really think that seeing someone would be a huge help for you. Grief of any kind is incredibly difficult and I think that having someone to speak with that is on the outside looking in could give you a way to vent how you are feeling and way to let it all out, so to speak.
I have obviously never lost a child, and I cannot imagine the pain associated with that, but after my father died when I was quite young I saw a counselor for quite some time. I will tell you that I still occasionally have flashbacks of when I lost him… and that was 23 years ago. The anniversary of his death is actually right around the corner, on the 4th, and I cannot stop thinking about him this week. My point is, you will never get over the loss, but your memories will become less about the sad feelings and more focused on all of the good. Please know that I am here for you if you EVER want to talk!