I’ve been wanting to post something all day, since today is the 2 month mark of Andrew’s birthday. My thoughts are all over the place today, and I was trying to wait until I had them all together before posting something, but I find myself drawn here just as I am.
Kevin and I don’t have any lavish plans for the day, which sort of bothers me. After a busy weekend away and a busy day yesterday, I sort of need a low key day. Perhaps the Lord wants us to remember and honor Andrew quietly today. I’m okay with that.
We plan to visit the cemetery this evening when Kevin gets home from work. We’ll bring some flowers and spend some time together as a family. I’m also hoping Kevin will take me out for dinner – I haven’t talked to him about that but I’m sure he’ll oblige! 🙂 I’m also planning to work on Andrew’s scrapbook today.
I spent some good time with the Lord this morning. One thing I love about being at home right now is the ability to spend so much time reading, praying, and reflecting without the urgency of time breathing down my neck. When I was talking to Kevin last night about today being the 2 month mark, he made a comment about how it’s probably harder for me since I have so much time to think about things. Certainly, having a full time job would keep me busier and distract me from a lot of things, but I actually think not having a job is good for me right now. Although the devil certainly likes to attack me through my thoughts, I’m realizing that I can have victory over my thoughts. I don’t want distraction from this hurt and pain….I want Jesus, and he’s meeting with me daily. When sinful thoughts come, I’m learning to cling to Scripture. Christian music has also been helpful – I’ve always loved to sing and have enjoyed some great worship services in the middle of my living room! My neighbors may think I’m crazy, but it’s ok!
My devotional today was titled “A Better Day” and was based off Ecclesiastes 7:1 that says, “A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.”
Because Andrew was delivered stillborn, I consider his birthday and death day to be the same (since we don’t know the exact date that he passed). It’s hard to put into words the emotions that we felt that day. It was gut-wrenching to say the least. In the midst of the sadness, there was some joy. We got to see our precious baby boy, hold him, kiss him, and we are so grateful for that, but it was not the celebration we had anticipated. When I read that verse from Ecclesiastes, I’m reminded of just how much I live in the flesh.
Just like Paul says in Philippians 1:21-23, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far…”
Nancy Guthrie put it so well.
“On the day we are born, we enter a pain-saturated, sin-scarred, darkness-loving, soul-depriving existence for a determined number of years. On the day of our death, if we are believers, we enter a pain-free, perfect place that is ablaze with the glory of Christ, where our deepest longings and joys are fulfilled, not for a number of years, but forever. Think about it. Don’t dismiss it because of how much you miss someone who is there or because of your fears of the unknown.”
I’m realizing more and more than I am far too easily pleased by this world. In many ways, I have become too comfortable here in my temporary home. Jesus offers me so much more and I should anticipate it daily! Don’t get me wrong, I have a blessed life and I love the relationships that I have with people here, but there is SO MUCH MORE! That’s why I want all my friends and family to be in heaven to enjoy it with me!!
I wish I could say that I was ecstatic that Andrew is in heaven with the Lord, but I can’t. I’m happy he’s safe, secure, filled with joy, and that I’ll see him again one day, but it doesn’t minimize the fact that I miss him so much now.
I’m human. I’m so thankful that Jesus understands that my feelings come from my flesh. I don’t want to feel the things I do, but he understands that I’m limited in my understanding.
Dear Andrew,
Mommy misses you today. I wish I could hold you close today and kiss your cute little nose, but I know that you are loving heaven so much. Jesus was able to give you something that I never could as a mother. Absolutely all your needs are met and you are being loved perfectly by Jesus! I’m so grateful!
You make me so proud, Andrew. Your short life has changed me forever. I’m a better woman because of you. I can’t wait to see you again and worship the Lord together as a family.
I love you so much.
Mommy
