I’m missing Andrew today (nothing new there, huh?). A few weeks ago, my sister asked me some questions about the missing. She asked me whether I actually missed Andrew or just missed not having a child to raise. I tried to explain that, for me, it’s both because they are one in the same.
I miss feeling his kicks and squirms inside my womb. I miss his companionship for those 9 months. I miss rubbing those cute little hands and nose. I miss patting his little bottom as I held him. I just….miss….him.
I don’t just miss the idea of him, I truly miss him, the person, my son. Some may not be able to comprehend how you can become so attached to a child that you never “knew.” I won’t know him in the same way that other parents will know their child, but I did know him. And I look forward to getting to know him more for the rest of eternity in heaven.
I missed him so much today that I decided to eat lunch at the cemetary. I grabbed some Subway and headed out to sit at the cemetary to enjoy the beautiful weather. Even though I know that Andrew isn’t really at the cemetary, I still feel very connected to him when I’m there. It was a good time and I got out some good tears. I look forward to spending more time out there in the future. Our lunch date was just what I needed today.
Sarah,
What a sweet time… we, too, have had picnics at the cemetery. And while your Andrew isn't really there, nor is my Isaac, there is still something that makes me feel just a little closer to him when I am there. How special… I am so glad you had the chance to do that.
~ Stacy
Hi Sarah,
I TOTALLY understand…Though I have never lost a child, I did go through quite a bit while pregnant with my last, Julian. I'd always wanted a little blond boy named Julian (that was John Lennon's first child's name) and I "knew" which child was WAS Julian. When Jordan was born, I knew it wasn't "Julian"…then the same with Dakota-not that I wasn't totally in love with them, but I just knew that they were who they were…:) With Jules, I was very ill, hospitalized with pneumonia. unable to stop violently coughing, unable to eat and gain weight….He grew more precious to me during that time because I really though I was going to lose the pregnancy…I also knew it was Julian! He had a personality before birth-they ALL did-and I had a deep connection and relationship with him….
So, I DO understand….Andrew is a very real child, with very real memories and a personality that you will always know like NO one else ever will. How lucky you are to have known him:) More importantly-HE knows YOU:) More then you can imagine-he knows what your voice sounds like, what your laugh sounds like, how your heart beats-and THOSE are the dearest sounds in existence to him:) He definitely knows his mommy, and he will run into your arms like a second has never passed, when you see him again:)
Stay strong dear girl:) You are an inspiration to all!!!