It’s Building

I can sense the emotion building inside me tonight.  I got through Andrew’s first birthday pretty darn well, if you ask me.  I had a good cry the prior weekend, but made it through last weekend rather well.  Thanks for all the prayer and sweet gestures.  It has meant the world to us and I plan to post some pics later when I have more time.

Tonight when I got back from small group, I just felt it start to build for some reason.  There’s a lot going on in my mind, but mostly it all just boils down to missing my boy.

We had a fantastic 20 week ultrasound yesterday and I’m so thankful that our doctor told us numerous times how beautiful our baby was.  We happen to know that already, but it’s nice to hear the doctor and sonographer agree!  And yes, for the record, she is still a little girl.  I had a feeling nothing would change in that department (especially since it was a high risk doctor making the call at 16 weeks), but I’ve certainly heard about things appearing between those legs later on down the road.  Anyway, all that to say, I’m grateful.  So very grateful that our little girl seems to be super healthy and doing just fine.  Our 20 week ultrasound with Andrew was an emotional one, since we were told one of his kidneys was not functioning properly.  This visit was filled with just pure joy, which was so nice! 

But at the same time, I can’t help but just be frustrated and downright sad that our little boy isn’t here too.  It’s just hard.  Some people have told me in the past things like, “Well, Savannah might not be here if Andrew had made it.”  I know that these people mean well and are simply trying to find the good in a terrible situation, but I just don’t happen to agree.  I have no clue if Savannah would or wouldn’t be here if Andrew were still with us.  It’s not my place to know.  But, it’s certainly possible.

We lost him when I was full term, so it’s physically possible for us to have Andrew here with us and still be pregnant with Savannah.  It’s just not the way it turned out for us.  It’s absolutely possible, but just not the plan God had for us.  And I don’t happen to like it sometimes.

I think part of the whole gender thing also still bugs me.  Not that we aren’t thrilled to be having a girl because we absolutely are.  But, it’s just that if Andrew were here, we would have the “perfect little family” once Savannah arrived.  One boy and one girl – that was truly all I ever wanted as a mom.  We’d both love more if God allows it, but we at least wanted 2 and one of each, if it were up to us.  Don’t get me wrong, we will certainly take what the Lord blesses us with, but you know what I mean, right??  So, I guess part of me is just downright mad that my little picture of our perfect family isn’t happening right now, when it very well could be.  I know that in God’s eyes, our little non-traditional family is perfect, just the way it is, though.

Kevin and I are counting down the days until our vacation.  I think it’s also weighing on me that we will be taking yet another trip without our son.  I want to be packing up all his things, and have his stuff take up more room in the trunk than our own.  I know seeing all the little ones at the beach will be tough too.  Would Andrew have liked the beach?  Would he have liked swimming in the pool or getting his toes wet in the surf? 

If you think about it, can you just pray that our vacation will be filled with God’s presence?  That we will enjoy the beauty of His creation and celebrate our time as a family?  We have looked forward to some time away all summer, and look forward to a special week.  I don’t want to the enemy to have any opportunities to ruin our time!  I plan to take some pics and will certainly share later!