Tomorrow is October 15th, which you may or may not realize is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It also happens to be my father’s birthday. So, while we pause to celebrate my father each October 15th, it has also become a day when our family pauses to remember our first son and all the other babies who went to be with Jesus sooner than we would have hoped.
With this special day in mind, I thought I might share some of the lessons I’ve learned from our loss. Some of these are things are new while others are things that I’ve believed for a while, but the Lord really solidified in my heart after our loss.
1. Our children are on loan to us.
Children are a gift from God. While it might be tempting for us to think they are ours because we are the ones who are given the great responsibility to care for and nurture them, this is simply not true. God is the author of life and we are given the great privilege of being a participant in what God is doing in our children. But, they are never truly ours for the keeping. Andrew was always on loan to us, but we had no idea that our time with him would be so short. While we wished it would have been so much longer, we remember Hannah and the way she gave Samuel back to the Lord {1 Samuel 1:21-18}. Our giving Andrew back to Jesus was somewhat forced upon us {since it would never have been our choice for him to die so soon}, but yet we had to come to the point where we accepted it. And we have. And just as Andrew is the Lord’s, the same is true for Savannah and Brady. They are ultimately His.
2. Every life has an impact and purpose.
There is something so remarkable about seeing a tiny little heartbeat on the sonogram screen. I will never get tired of observing that miracle. At the very least, seeing that baby on a screen or holding that baby in your arms impacts the very core of your being. While some lives have a larger impact than others, I will never underestimate the way that God might use even the shortest of lives for his glory. Andrew lived for 38 weeks inside my womb and I honestly don’t know the extent of his impact on the world. What I do know is that he has left a mark on our family that I never would have imagined. I am a better mother, wife, and friend because of him {not that I’m perfect at any of those roles}. I long for Jesus to restore this world to it’s right state more now than ever. Whether a short or long life, every life has an impact and purpose. {Psalm 138:8}
3. Your identity as a mother/father is not based on the number of babies who are visible.
I struggled with this for so long after we lost Andrew. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was a mother, but the rest of the world doesn’t have a way of classifying mothers whose only children live in heaven. I was affirmed by a few people along the way, which was so nice but it was still a struggle. The ironic part is that now that my identity as a mother is much more evident to the world, I still have people who forget the boy who actually made me a mother. I don’t hold a grudge against them because I realize that he simply isn’t on their radar {it’s sort of the out of sight out of mind thing}. But, I wish our culture did a better job of talking about all children, because they have all made us who we are as mothers.
4. God grieves when we grieve.
God loves us so much. Just as my parents grieved with us after we lost Andrew, God grieved even more so. Death was never part of his plan for humanity, but once sin came on the scene so did a lot of pain, hurt, and other terrible things. But, out of His great love for us and His willingness to rescue us, He willingly sacrificed His son Jesus so that our relationship with Him could be restored. Sin is still on the scene of this fallen world, but it doesn’t change the fact that God grieves when his children grieve. I can quote scripture after scripture about this, but more than anything, I felt the Lord’s presence during every moment of my grief. {Psalm 34:18}
5. God is by nature good and cannot change simply because we are hurting or grieving.
It is easy to say that God is good when life is going along fairly nicely. But, when tragedy strikes and everything in you is hurting, it doesn’t always feel like God is still good. Sometimes I wonder where I would be on this grief journey if I had not been able to have more children. If Andrew had been our only child, would I still be able to say that God was good? Before we got pregnant with Savannah, I distinctly remember having moments with God when I determined that I would be content with or without more children. The Lord knew my heart’s desire, but I was learning so much about how Jesus was enough to fill me and I was determined to be content no matter what the future held for us. In God’s great love and mercy, he did choose to bless us with more children and I am so thankful. But, even if he hadn’t, his goodness would still be true. Any God who would choose to rescue a sinner like me by sacrificing his own perfect son cannot be defined as anything but good. {Psalm 119:68}
