My first Christmas after loosing our first son, Andrew, was hard. I was surrounded by family and wonderful friends that year, but my arms were empty and my heart was aching. When I should have been dressing him in his “My first Christmas” outfit, I was purchasing remembrance ornaments for our tree. I even ordered him a stocking because I needed to see his name embroidered on it.
One of my dear friends spent Thanksgiving with my family this year. Her family is miles away and she was not able to travel back home so close to Christmas. She is a beautiful woman of faith, but is still waiting for the Lord to finish writing her love story. We had a really enjoyable time with her over Thanksgiving, but I know she would have rather been celebrating with a boyfriend, fiance, or husband of her own.
This is such a joyful and celebratory time of year. With jolly ole’ St. Nick and candy canes dancing around in our heads, who couldn’t get excited about Christmas? And the birth of Christ truly is something remarkable to celebrate! We should be joyful and celebratory at this time of the year.
But…
And this is a big but…
There are lots of people out there who are hurting. And I mean LOTS.
While all the cliches might very well be true, the reality is that people are still walking through hard things. And I’m writing this post today for a few people. You may be one of them.
First, I’m writing for those who are blissfully unaware
…unaware of the depth of pain people might be enduring at this very moment while Christmas carols are being sung and stockings are being hung. If you are reading this and have no clue what I’m talking about, be careful. Try your best to treat every encounter with someone as an opportunity to love. None of us know what the person next to us might be going through and I’d like to think that you don’t want your words, actions, or lack of sensitivity to add to someone else’s pain.
Second, I’m writing for those who know someone close (or even an acquaintance) who may be hurting.
Your friend is going through a really difficult time right now and needs your unconditional love and support more than ever. Pray hard for and pursue them even if they may seem distant. Don’t push or pressure them too much, but pursue them.
Let them know you care with either a short note, quick text, or phone call. Don’t be offended if they don’t respond in the way you would like. Depending on the depth of their struggle, they may just be guarding their hearts. Certain situations at the holiday season might make their struggle more challenging to endure, so be as sensitive as you can. But keep trying. And keep praying for them.
They will appreciate the gesture and know you care. If they need or want to talk about their struggle, they will know they can come to you because you didn’t give up on them. {And if you see signs of deep depression or something more serious, by all means call a professional to get them help.}
Lastly, I’m writing for those who are struggling this Christmas.
I’m so very sorry for what you are going through. Though I may not know the specifics of your situation, I do know what it’s like to hurt….and hurt badly. I pray that you have people in your life to love and support you right now. Your life may look nothing like you expected it to look this year. And for that, I’m so very sorry. My heart genuinely breaks for you and know that I am praying for you as I type this post.
It might be tempting to stay hidden away in your home so that you don’t have to face some of the difficult situations surrounding this holiday season, but I would challenge you to push yourself a bit if you are able. It may mean dragging a good friend with you to your work’s Christmas party so you don’t have to attend it alone or saying ‘yes’ to another friend’s invitation to see Christmas lights when you truly have no desire to smile or be happy.
But with that being said, I also want to encourage you to guard your heart this holiday season. Just as I would encourage you to push yourself out of your comfort zone, I also know that there are some situations that will just be too difficult for you to bear this year. Hopefully in time, it will get better but it’s okay to say ‘no’ to situations that will be more than you can handle. Life is about balance and the Christmas season is no different. If your friends don’t understand why you have to ‘sit this one out’, that’s okay. They might never understand, but perhaps with time there will be a chance for open dialogue and you can gently teach them.
If some of your friends seem more distant, try not to assume the worst. If they know you well, they probably have an inclination that you are struggling a little more than usual this holiday season. More than likely, they are trying to give you space and not hover too much. If you are lonely, seek them out. They are probably unsure of what to do or say and the best option in their mind could be to not say anything at all for fear they may say the wrong thing. Feel free to direct them to my second point above. 🙂 But in the meantime, feel free to break the ice and reach out first. That simple gesture will probably put them at ease more than you will ever know.
The good news is that even in the midst of your struggle and pain {as large or small as it may be}, the very heart of this holiday is about a little boy who would change the world. Even in your difficult circumstance, that boy would know about all of your pain and heartache. As a man, he would experience it himself and willingly die to give you hope in the midst of it. Cling to Him this holiday season. It is my prayer that in the midst of your struggle you will see the beauty of Christmas with a new or renewed perspective.
If you could use some prayer (for yourself or a friend), please feel free to email me. I’d be honored to pray specifically.
Very sweet and thoughtful……Love it. Full of useful information and I tend to agree with you….lots of ppl are hurting for so many different reasons. Being mindful of this is important. Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Thank you so much for your comment. Just being aware of others around us is so helpful.- and Merry Christmas to you as well!
Thank you for writing this. My mother passed away almost 2 weeks ago and I still can't believe she is gone. This holiday season will be difficult for the family. I miss her very much.
Oh Karen, I am so very sorry for your loss! I hope you don't mind, but I would consider it an honor to pray for you during this time. May God give you extra comfort during the missing.
Thank you very much for this article! I lost my mother this year and this Christmas is going to be so difficult..but your writing was really helpful and gave me courage! I really miss her so much! Thank you again and wish you Merry Christmas! Marianne
Marianne, I am so sorry about the recent loss of your mother. I try not to let my mind go there, but I cannot imagine how that must feel. My mother and I are very close. I will definitely pray for you – that God would surprise you this Christmas as you try to walk through this grieving process with courage but with a broken heart. Sending love and hugs to you!
Its been 8 years since my husband' passing but I still dread Christmas. This year feels particularly frustrating because I'm supposed to be ok with it now but I still cry every time I see the looks on my kids faces when other kids run to their dads or talk about their dads. We talk about their daddy everyday and I try and keep him "alive" with stories of how he felt about them so they know how loved they were by him.
We don't go out much even though we have a huge family. I just got tired of hearing how lucky I am not to have a husband and the problems of marriage…it breaks my heart every time someone says that. I would give anything to have what they're taking for granted. Please pray for me and my kids… I dont know how I am going to make it through this year. It just seems to be getting worse as the years go on and I thought it would get easier..
My heart aches for you as I am reading your comment. I will certainly pray for you and your kids this year. No matter how long it's been, there is still a huge void in your family and I think it's okay to still get sad about that. I am so sorry that your own grief is also compounded by the insensitive comments of others who are disgruntled in their marriage. Our loss has definitely taught me to be more thankful for the people I have in my life, whether we get frustrated with one another or not. Loss has helped me keep that in perspective. Thank you for commenting and giving me the opportunity to pray for you and your family. I hope that God will surprise you in some special ways this year. Sending love and hugs to you!
Thank you for writing this. I can identify with most things you said. We lost our first child, our son, in April of this year. He was born in February and lived for 2 months and 3 days. When you spoke of buying remembrance ornaments for your tree instead of dressing your son in his first Christmas outfit, I burst into tears. That's exactly how I feel. Time has passed; my husband and I are doing ok overall…but Christmas is another hurdle all on its own. We put up extra lights outside this year so our son can be sure to see our house from heaven. We also purchased a toy for Christmas cheer that we might have purchased for him. While all that helps, it doesn't make up for the loss. I know he'll have a great time in heaven at Christmas and try to gain comfort from that. We do have things planned for Christmas that get us out and enjoying the season. We have worked to honour our son through our own lives now. I do it every day as I worry sometimes that his memory will be left behind us. I want to keep him in our lives always.
We want to have children more than anything but it feels like a long road at this point to get to that point. There's a whole host of emotions wrapped around that thought as well. It makes me sad sometimes when I see people struggle or complain about their young children and I think, I would give anything to be in their shoes. I've gained a lot of comfort from sentiments online, especially pinterest. That's where I read your article. Just wanted to say it brought me peace in having someone else put into words what I'm feeling. Thank you.
I am so sorry for your loss and although I'm glad my post was helpful, I hate that I even HAD to write it. I will be praying for you as you wade through your grief during this holiday season. Our first Christmas without our son was so hard, but God was so faithful to heal our hearts. I pray He will do the same for you in time.
So glad to read this, I lost my mom on Valentine's day this year, I'm 56 years old, and all these firsts without my mom have been so hard. I'm a Christian and know she's in a better place than I, but feel so stingy by just wishing she was still here. I have grandchildren in my home that I'm raising, and trying hard to be strong and know she would not want me to be so sad, but it just happens. Please keep me in your prayers, and thanks for the taking the time to share this
I will certainly pray for you, Sandra. I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I can't imagine that b/c my mother and I are so close. I will pray that God surprises you with some sweet blessing this Christmas.