As we approach the 3 month mark of Andrew’s birth and death, it’s still hard for me to process what we’ve been through. It honestly seems like much longer than just 3 months since I’ve held my beautiful baby boy. I still miss him so much and don’t go a day without thinking of him and looking at his beautiful pictures. He’s my little man and always will be.
I know I’ve written about this before, but I’m realizing more and more just how much I operate out of fear. My OB recommended we wait at least 3 months to begin trying to conceive again, so we’re approaching the time when we officially have her “green light” and blessing. Although I’m excited about trying again, I’m scared to death.
Being that we got pregnant with Andrew under a fertility specialist, I’m fearful that we’ll have to relive that emotional roller coaster again this time and I absolutely dread the thought. In all reality, it wasn’t that bad. Just testing and one round of Clomid and that was it – pretty painless, right? Well, unless you’ve been through it or known someone who has, it’s hard to understand how difficult it is. It was hard enough waiting 15 months to conceive, I can only imagine how difficult it is for women who have waited YEARS.
And Abraham’s wife, Sarah? How about DECADES!
I’m praying that it won’t take too long, because I honestly just don’t know if I have the stamina to deal with it. Another pregnancy will be a challenge in and of itself because of the loss we’ve experienced, but dealing with infertility again is just not my idea of fun. But, like I’m learning, God is sovereign and he has a plan.
In recent weeks and months, I’ve always read this verse in the context of new life, babies, and pregnancies. But in recent days, I’ve been reading this verse in the context of my own adult life.
Every moment of my life was laid out before a single day had passed.
This doesn’t just include the good, happy days like when I married Kevin or when we found out we were expecting a baby last December. This includes those moments that are utterly gut-wrenching like when I lost my job at Circuit City and when we found out our precious son had died just over a week before his due date.
Although many of the moments of my life have come as a shock to me, there are no surprises to the Lord. There are no “plan Bs” with Him. He wasn’t shocked to find out Andrew’s kidney had cysts on it or ultimately when his heartbeat could not be found. His heart broke with mine, but he wasn’t shocked at all.
I find great comfort in that. I find great comfort in Him.
I have nothing to fear knowing that the God of the universe, my God, knows what lies ahead. He sees the big picture and knows exactly what he’s doing. All he asks of me is to cling to him and I can joyfully do that.
So, we’ll see what the Lord has in store for us and our future family. As we begin trying to conceive again, we do it knowing that ultimately our children are the Lord’s. I desire Hannah’s heart in this.
Despite the fears that I have, I’m so thankful that my God is big enough to handle it. He’s big enough to handle me and my overanalytical, fearful self. 🙂
Sarah, I'll be praying for you as you move into that time of trying again. We've been trying for a year now for number 2, with a miscarriage in the midst of it, and waiting on the Lord for this is one of the hardest things in the world. I stand by you, sister, as you continue to battle fear and pray that God will infuse you with hope and joy in the waiting. Thanks for your continued vulnerability- your blog has been an important part of my own sabbatical!