Mixture of Emotions

As I anticipate the start of my new job on Monday, I can’t help but feel a mixture of emotions. While I’m incredibly blessed to have this new opportunity, I’m also finding myself very torn. I’m excited to go back to work and learn something new (and the paycheck will help out a LOT), but I’m having a hard time preparing myself emotionally.

Since I was laid off in mid-January of 2009 (I was only about 10 weeks along), much of my pregnancy with Andrew was spent at home. I didn’t do a ton the first couple of months of my “retirement.” I was super tired and a little nauseous, so I took advantage of the free time. When we were further along and my energy level increased during the second trimester, my time was consumed with exciting preparations for Andrew – painting, buying furniture, picking out crib bedding, etc. And as the third trimester began, there was no real concern of even finding a job. My plan was to quit work when we had Andrew anyway, so what would be the point in starting a new job just weeks before he was born?

I guess I can’t help but associate my pregnancy with Andrew with being unemployed. So now that I’m re-entering the workforce, I feel a little bit of guilt – like I’m “moving on” from my pregnancy and loss of Andrew, which is so far from the truth. Ultimately, I wish I wasn’t going back to work, because that would mean I’d be holding my son.

I’m also a little nervous about going back to work, mostly because it’s a new chapter. I have no clue what the future holds for Kevin and I, and while that scares me a lot, I’m slowly but surely learning to wake up each day, seeking to follow the Lord, and waiting to see where he takes us. All I know right now is that I start my job on Monday. Where the Lord takes me from there, we will have to wait and see. It’s a little nerve-wracking but exciting at the same time!